This morning Jase asked about Korban. It's pretty common really; for him to bring up his brother. He randomly will ask, "Is Heaven a person or a place?" He likes to play with my bracelets and tell me which one is for Jase and which one is for Korban Matthew. He has said to me a few times, "If you don't eat good things, you won't grow like Korban." Even if what he says doesn't make sense or actually apply to Korban, for the most part, it makes me feel good. My heart feels like it grows a little when Jase says Korban's name. I love that he isn't afraid to talk to me about him when he needs to and hope that never changes. But this morning was a little different than our other conversations.
We had just pulled out of the subdivision on our way to daycare and he just randomly asked, "Who has angels in their house for Korban?" I reminded him that we have one and we gave one to Aunt Amy & Uncle Matt, one to Grandma and Mark and one to Grandpa and Cindy. He asked why we need the angels and I told him so we could all remember Korban forever. And then he asked, "If Korban lived with us and slept at our house, we wouldn't need those angels would we?" His eyes welled up with tears and he tried to fight them away. I reached back and held his hand and told him it's ok to be sad and that I get sad too. He told me he misses Korban and then the tears fell while I rubbed his hand and told him I miss Korban too. To which he replied "and Daddy does too." My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, but in true 3 year old fashion he moved on to a different subject within seconds. I'm jealous of his short attention span as I am still struggling hours later.
I think about Korban and that entire experience from the time I get up in the morning to the time I go to bed. Every single day. Work does a pretty good job of keeping my emotions in check because we are really busy, but Fridays are harder because I'm alone in the office a lot and it's easy to lose focus. Weekends with Kiel and Jase are always helpful...it's summer so we're always on the go and being together is just better in general. Even in the evenings I can usually keep myself occupied with stuff around the house or some mindless tv and the nights Kiel has worked over haven't been near as haunting as I anticipated. But it's always there. On the tip of my tongue during every conversation regardless of the topic. It's easier with people that I know are aware of the miscarriage, but I have a harder time with people who don't know or if I'm unsure if they know. I don't know if I'm holding myself back from bringing it up or just trying to focus on anything else. I do know, when it does get brought up, it's usually really easy for me to talk about it with anyone. It's almost therapeutic sometimes...but as I type that I'm cringing just thinking about the next person I see mentioning it. Mostly, I feel like I'm doing really well (Kiel too, but I don't want to speak for him on here)...I'm getting back to our life. But today, my emotions really caught me off guard. They are hard to reel in. Not just because Jase's heart was hurting which always hurts me but because it made me realize how much mine still is too.
Writing all of this down seems to help a little though. Even if I'm only typing for me...it still feels like I'm getting something off my chest.
I came across this article yesterday and think I might need to keep it close for awhile...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-things-you-learn-after-your-child-dies_us_576987d0e4b0869377fb4680?
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While in the hospital, we made the decision to cremate Korban and on Wednesday, June 1st we got to bring home his ashes. Kiel and I knew from the beginning that a service just wasn't something that we wanted to do. I can't really explain why, but for us...I just don't think it would have been helpful. Maybe under different circumstances, but I don't regret it. I'm still in awe of the funeral home in Normal that donates all services for miscarriages/stillborn babies...what a selfless act. The urn he came in is very plain and simple and not one you'd typically display, but it has his name on it so I'm not sure if/how I'll replace it. We talked about a plot, but thought cremation would be better so he can be wherever we are. When we're ready to buy plots for ourselves, he can go with us. Always.
Kiel and I met with Dr. Dalton on June 15th for a follow up appointment and she had our test results from the genetic tests they ran. Apparently, instead of Korban getting one set of 23 chromosomes from me and one set of 23 from Kiel for a total of 46 (diploid set = the correct amount), he got an extra set of maternal chromosomes which is what caused the chromosomal disorder and led to the Holoprocensephaly. Having 3 sets of chromosomes is called Triploidy. It's mind blowing to think about how much happens inside a woman's body when a baby is made...everything has to be perfect and this time it just wasn't. She said the results did not show chromosomal abnormalities in me that would necessarily carry over to a baby so concern for this happening again is low, but she advised we see a genetic counselor just so we can get all of the information we can from an actual expert. And also to get some DNA from Kiel as no blood was taken from him initially. We agreed and requested they start a referral for us even though we both have felt like this would be the case since we already have a healthy 3 year old. Unfortunately a few days ago, we found out my insurance doesn't cover any of the testing and they can't get us in to meet with a genetic counselor until the end of October. Both of those pieces of information were very disappointing, but we'll just have to see how things go.
Dr. Dalton shared a story about a couple that gave birth to a baby the weekend after we had Korban and I haven't been able to stop thinking about them either. Like Korban, their baby had Holoprocensephaly and like us, they found out about his disorder at their 18 week appointment. Unlike us, their baby made it to 31 weeks before passing away. That means they sat on that news for 13 weeks before delivering their stillborn child. For 13 weeks they agonized over what would happen to their baby while everyday taking care of their toddler and trying to live their lives. And when he was born, he wasn't much bigger than Korban who was measuring somewhere between 13-15 weeks. I thanked God right then and there for giving that couple a child before having to experience that nightmare. I hope he helps them through like Jase does for us.
-Nicole
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