(written September 14, 2016 - posted after 12 week appointment)
I've always loved the saying, "You can't have a rainbow without a little rain."
It makes me think of the book, "The Giver." It's like saying, you can't feel happy if you don't know what it's like to feel sad. You can't know the feeling of love if you've never felt hate. As hard as it is to accept, the world needs a little bad so we can really appreciate the value of the good.
I still haven't figured out why we had a miscarriage...what the lesson is for us. And I don't have the blind faith that we will ever know. But I do know, we've been given the chance to take the pain we felt from losing Korban and use it to fully appreciate this blessing we've been given. We found out on Friday, September 2nd that we were 4 weeks pregnant. The mixed emotions are still a little overwhelming, but there was definitely a happy dance when that first stick turned blue. And the 4 after that...yes I took 5 pregnancy tests.
I was obviously tracking my ovulation schedule just as I had with Korban and I knew right away our hard work had payed off this time. We took a mini vacation to the Dells at the end of August and I was nauseous every morning. I told Kiel I was pretty sure I was pregnant, but I was still a week and a half away from my period so he ignored my craziness. I took a pregnancy test 5 days out and it came back negative, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was going on in there. I was still nauseous, my boobs were sore and I was more tired & hungry than usual. I waited 2 days and took another one. It very faintly turned positive so I waited another day and took 2 more...I fully own the crazy. Yet again, these tests were positive, but questionable compared to the positive tests I've seen before. Really, I was just very skeptical. I waited 2 days until Monday 9/5 (Labor Day) to when I should actually start my period and took another. The 5th test was the official confirmation. It was positive before I got the cap back on. We've ripped the band aid off...we're jumping in head first...we're putting our very real, raw fear aside and giving it another shot at a healthy baby to love. It happened a lot quicker than we anticipated and one moment I'm questioning our sanity and the next I'm smiling from ear to ear. It makes my heart skip a beat every time I think about it.
I scheduled the appointment to confirm pregnancy for Monday, September 12th (our 1 year wedding anniversary) but I ended up going in on Friday the 9th because I developed the scariest rash I have ever seen with my own eyes. My general doctor didn't want to give me anything because I was pregnant, but it continued to worsen throughout the day so I made the call to Dr. Dalton's office and she asked me to come in. She took one look at me and ordered a steroid pack. Seriously love that woman. Long story short the rash got worse before getting better, but a week later and it's completely gone. Dr. Dalton had some tests run to insure whatever viral infection had caused the rash wasn't one that would affect the baby. We had a scary few days as one test came back positive for exposure and we waited for results to determine if the infection was current - everything came back in our favor, but it was a little unnerving. Right now it feels like if something can go wrong it will, but we're thankful we had a good outcome there.
Our first ultra sound is scheduled for September 27th so after that we should be full of information on due date and all of the extra steps necessary to monitor this little one.
I'm going to do my best to just sit back and enjoy the ride, but it's
going to be hard. I'm already very aware that our miscarriage is
going to, in some ways, rob me of experiencing the full joy I should
feel for this pregnancy. I won't tell everyone I see. Doctors
appointments will not be anticipated as they once were. Dr. Dalton is
going to want us to do the genetic testing and the idea of finding out
that something could be wrong again makes my stomach turn. Until we get
passed that dreaded 18 week appointment...well I'm just very aware it's
going to be a long 15 weeks.
I'll be doing a lot of praying. And smiling.
-Nicole
