P3 - 38 Weeks

Kicking off 38 weeks feeling pretty good with my attitude free buddy by my side.  Still sore and huge, but my energy has been up for the most part and I've felt slightly less crabby lately so that's a plus! 

Our appointment on Wednesday the 19th was short and sweet, but full of great news.  I'm measuring at 38 weeks now probably due to baby dropping slightly.  I know it doesn't really look like it in this picture, but she's definitely lower just big so still taking up all the room.  Dr. Dalton is really happy with my blood pressure, weight gain (glad someone is), and over all attitude about being 38 weeks, but is still leaning towards induction if baby girl doesn't come on her own by our May 9th due date.  As she told me last time, she won't check me unless I request it so I asked to be checked at our 39 week appointment so we can see if I'm progressing the same or close to how I did with Jase.  She confirmed that with a favorable cervix, we can go ahead and set an induction date and is comfortable with setting that anytime after May 3rd.  She also mentioned this won't be considered an elective induction since baby is so big which I'm sure only matters for insurance purposes, but she seemed happy to be recommending we go that route as long as I'm comfortable with it.  While I would like to be done being pregnant anytime now, I'm not trying to rush this baby out.  I know babies need to come on their own time so if we get to the appointment on the 3rd and don't have any progression I will be perfectly fine with waiting until 40 weeks to check again and re-evaluate.  I'm just glad to feel like everyone is on the same page.  And that there is light at the end of this tunnel!

Kiel asked me a few days ago if we're ready for this baby to come and my immediate thought was, yes we just don't have any diapers lol I need to start thinking about packing a bag, but I've got the carseat, stroller and bouncy seat all out and ready to go and her room is JUST about finished so feeling pretty good about things being in order.  But a few minutes later it dawned on me that he wasn't asking about material things...he was asking if WE were ready.  I rephrased the question to, "I'm ready, are you ready?" His immediate, not really, made me laugh out loud.  We really are in a great place as a family.  Don't get me wrong, Jase is still pushing our buttons and keeping us on our toes and we're always learning, but the thought of this newborn coming in and disrupting our lives does seem a little crazy.  There is definitely something to be said for having your children close together, but I know once she's here it will feel like the last piece to our family puzzle is finally in place.

My boss is reluctant to believe I'll make it through next week as I left a week before my due date with Jase, but I feel pretty confident I can hang in there and work until the end.  I feel so much more prepared mentally this time and having Wednesdays off has done me a world of good in these last few weeks.  I am still in shock at what a difference just one extra day a week has made for my mental state.  And while I'm typing this I'm thinking, "but it's going to be SO different!"  So goes life!

Jase broke my heart a little in the car the other night when Kiel and I were discussing our possible upcoming induction by asking if the doctor said our baby is strong.  I told him yes and he immediately broke into a huge smile and exclaimed, "THAT MEANS WE GET TO KEEP HER!"  I could barely ask Kiel for a napkin from the glove box...he sure does know how to pull at my heart strings.

In other news, we celebrated my dad's 60th birthday a little early since his actual birthday is just the day before my due date and we ALMOST pulled off the surprise.  Just a few hours before, he got a phone call from an old friend wishing him a Happy Birthday....2 weeks early.  He was still a good sport even though he knew something was up.  We didn't get many pictures, but we did get the most important one...missing Debbie and we know Jeff was there in spirit...and everyone was all smiles :)

Happy 60th Birthday Dad!

And I got this great video of baby girl while I was making food for the party.  I was in total shock because she NEVER moves like this when I'm standing up, but found out at my appointment that she's face up so her arms and legs are all over my belly right now.  Such a great memory to have!

Looking forward to posting some pictures of the nursery and some maternity photos we had taken at the beginning on the month.  But maybe I'll get to post about our girl's arrival first!  So anxious to meet her!!!!!

-Nicole   

2am Thoughts

This pretty much sums up my brain right now.  I know there are a few others reading this, but this post is for me - I don't remember what I worried about before Jase was born.  Probably things like...learning to nurse, dropping him on his head, did we buy the right diapers, do I need more stuff, how badly will we screw him up?  None of it matters now, but I wish I'd written it all down. 

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Whenever someone asks me how many kids we have after noticing my pregnant belly, I always feel myself pause before answering, "We have a 4 year old son."  It's an unconscious pause, but I always feel it.  I think I pause because my heart says, "we have two boys" but my head says, "this isn't the time to share that."  I can say Korban's name out loud without hesitation around people that know his story.  Jase brings him up frequently and Kiel and I (more likely me) talk about him on a semi-regular basis, but it's not something I can just openly talk about with every inquiring mind I come across.  It's not that I don't want to talk about him or that I'm trying to protect myself, it is, in all honesty to protect them.  Such a simple, harmless question for a person to ask - we've all asked it a thousand times.  The reality is harder to deliver than it is to live.

I've only done it once in the last 11 months and it was at the dentist in March.  Jase and I hadn't been for well over the 6 month time frame because of insurance changes so the last time our hygienist saw us, I was barely 6 weeks pregnant with Korban.  We hadn't even been to the dr, but she remembered.  We got talking about having a girl after having a boy and how different it will be when she innocently said, "Oh right because you have 2 boys!"  I tried to brush it off just telling her Jase was our only son, but I could tell she had reviewed our file before we got there and knew something was off.  I finally said, "There was another boy, but we lost him at 18 weeks."  I could literally feel her heart sink and watched her face turn red as she stopped what she was doing and apologized.  It makes me feel like I should pin an M for miscarriage on my shirt or wear a certain colored ribbon so that people know and those who are comfortable asking can ask and those who aren't can choose another topic.

And then there was the older lady at Walmart who stopped me while I was paying for groceries to tell me how nice I looked.  Her daughter was expecting in May also and she was so excited.  She asked me if we knew what we were having and after I said a girl she asked, "Are you pleased?"  I think I let out a little laugh as the question caught me off guard.  I just told her of course we are and as her eyebrows furrowed she said, "Oh don't say 'of course,' there are a lot of people out there that are disappointed with the gender news."  I don't think I made a face, I just politely said, "we're just thankful she's healthy."  She agreed brushing off my "typical response" and went on her way never knowing the weight of her words.  Never knowing, I actually meant it when I said of course.  I admit, even after having a miscarriage, I was hopeful for a girl.  Selfishly asking for health and preference, I still had an idea in my head what I wanted for our family even after our loss.  I know all parents have those thoughts...well most, maybe not all...but for a stranger to be so blunt with someone not knowing a thing about their backstory was ballsy in my mind.  I hope that woman never speaks those words to a mother who has lost a living child or one that has experienced so many early losses her heart is damaged beyond repair.  

I often catch myself thinking, "we should have 3 children."  But I quickly remind myself that had Korban been healthy, we would not have this baby girl on the way.  The agreement was two.  But I know I'd always wonder if we should of had three because we'd have two boys and no little girl.  Maybe that's why this happened?  What a terrible way to look at his passing.  Maybe we experienced that to ensure us me that two blessings are enough.  Maybe God knew if I was pregnant for 12 out of 15 months, my heart would be content with what he's given us.  I read Jase's 4 year old letter the other day and thought, "maybe Korban is why we got pregnant with Jase unexpectedly."  Maybe He knew we'd need Jase to push through.  And maybe we just weren't ready.  Maybe I pushed getting pregnant too hard and Korban wasn't part of God's plan for us and that's why he wasn't born.  I don't know.  But the closer we get to bringing this baby home, the more I wonder why that happened.  I'm not sad about it, I'm just wondering.

Jase randomly told me the other day that Korban was watching over him and the other kids at daycare.  He said, "He's alive in Heaven so he can see me."  His innocence makes my heart swell and my eyes teary.  And I wonder how he'll react when he's old enough to REALLY grasp what happened.  How will that make him feel when it's his time to have children of his own?  Will that part of our lives make him love his sister more?  Will it give them an unbreakable bond that will last forever?  Will she ever understand what Jase went through when we told him his brother wouldn't come home?  Will our miscarriage haunt me forever?  Will I always look at this little girl and think of the brother we lost?  Will her presence always be "because we lost Korban" ?

So many questions and at the end of the day all that really matters is that we don't take him for granted.  Time has allowed me to "move on".  I can't say time has "made me whole" again, because there will always be a space...a split second pause.  But we are moving on with life.  We don't have to talk about him all the time.  His story doesn't need to be repeated to every acquaintance we make.  We don't need to fill our lives with daily reminders that he existed.  He just needs to live in our hearts.  Kind of like Jesus I suppose.   

-Nicole

P3 - 36 weeks

Baby #2 has arrived!!!

Dane Kyle Morrison was welcomed at 6:58am Friday, April 7th weighing in at 7lbs 5oz and measuring 20 1/4" long.  And I got to meet him (biggest heart eyes) just a week later. 

Everyone seems to be adjusting really well and I just couldn't be happier for them!  Can't wait to snuggle him again in a few weeks when they come to meet baby girl!
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I'm not really sure what to say about 36 weeks other than, are we there yet? I know pregnancy is a beautiful thing and it is not lost on me how lucky I am to have this experience, but I am over it.  I will surely miss the tiny kicks inside me and long to feel them again as I pass cute pregnant woman in Target, but there are more things I won't miss.  I won't miss the looks and questions from strangers, the not sleeping, the maternity clothes, the aches and the waddling.  The shortness of breath and how much energy every little thing requires.  I've had a few rounds of stress related Braxton Hicks contractions and have started experiencing what other pregnant ladies have described as "lightening crotch."  Seriously makes me laugh every time I think about it.  I know I mentioned it with Jase - it's like a pinching feeling near my cervix.  Most drs say it's the baby touching nerves in there and some even say (or maybe it's wishful thinking) that it's dilation occurring.  Either way, something is going on down there.  I don't think Kiel has much sympathy for me considering I've been talking about wanting to be pregnant again since about a year after Jase was born.  It's amazing how you truly forget what the end is like.

We had our 36 week check up on Friday, April 14th and since baby girl is measuring so big we got a bonus ultra sound.  No pictures because she's head down with her hands in front of her face, but everything looked great.  At 36 weeks, Jase was around 7lbs 8oz and at 36 + 3 days, baby girl is around 7lbs 10oz...a close race.  I'm measuring at 40 weeks now (sigh) and she's still in the mid 90s for size percentiles so Dr. Dalton changed her original plan of waiting until 41 weeks to inducing no later than my due date if I don't go on my own before.  If I had my pants on when she told me this, I would have hugged her.  I selfishly mentioned that Jase has his spring program on May 11th in hopes we can work induction around that if necessary to which Dr replied we can start talking induction dates anytime after 39 weeks pending a favorable cervix.  I go weekly from now on and already have my 39 week appointment scheduled so we should know more about a due date after my appointment on May 3rd.  May 5th or 6th is looking like a pretty good weekend to have a baby if you ask me!  

A few pictures from Easter weekend and we're on to the last 3 weeks...........

Holy Belly

Anyone else have a husband like mine that waits until after the "Easter Bunny" has put together a nice Easter basket to go out and find the greatest thing your child will ever receive?  This also happens to Santa Clause most years.  Good thing they're both cute.

-Nicole