P3 - 12 weeks

I officially broke out the maternity pants at exactly 10 weeks and that was the first day a mom at school drop off said to me, "where did that belly come from?!"  Even though she already knew (which I had forgot), I started to sweat and turn red because I never thought in a million years anyone would call me out like that.  I kind of wanted to hug her and cry (not hormonal at all, eye roll) because she has been through a very similar and even more taxing situation than Kiel and I.  It felt so amazing to have someone I don't even really know be JOYFUL for this baby.  Don't get me wrong, our family is beyond words excited, but our miscarriage has made me hesitant to talk about this pregnancy so her huge smile and happiness kind of gave me a little boost.  

I've actually been feeling a lot more relaxed about everything since Kiel and I had sort of a "come to Jesus" talk about the whole genetic testing subject.  I think I've been stressed out trying to find a reason to want to do the testing because I feel our dr would prefer to have the results.  I've been researching and talking to people, but nothing was sticking with me.  I finally had a very short and frank conversation with my sister about how I felt in regards to this test not being able to tell us if this baby has what Korban did and she asked me, "You didn't do these tests with Jase or Korban right?"  To which I obviously responded, no, so she said, "Then why do them now if they aren't going to test for anything other than what you didn't care to know before?"  It was kind of like a light bulb went off and a weight lifted off my chest.  She's right.  And Kiel agreed so no testing.  I think we've been putting a lot of emphasis on the cost of the tests, but in reality, if we felt strongly about having them done, we'd pay any amount asked.  It's really not about the money, it's about our gut feeling.  We'll find out when this baby is ready for us to know.  It's amazing how when you make a decision that is right for you/your family, it just feels good.  I don't even have to say, I hope it's the right thing to do because for us, I already know it is.

I haven't been able to bring myself to take official belly pics yet, but maybe next time.
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I was full of nerves and crazy emotions the day of our 12 week appointment.  Probably because the day before was Korban's due date, but mainly because I was so nervous to see and hear our baby.  So. many. fears.

The appointment was October 26 at 2:30 and I was taken to a room right on schedule as usual.  I was so distracted with my worries that when I went to leave a urine sample I forgot to use the cup.  Oops.  Try again next time.  Once in the room, the nurse brought me the paperwork to decline or accept testing after checking my vitals and a few minutes after she took the form, Dr. Dalton popped her head in.  She understood why we declined the testing and didn't even ask me what made us decide that, but wanted to let me know she still planned on doing an ultra sound to check baby's size.  I'm surprised I didn't jump off the table into her arms.  I was worried she wouldn't do the ultra sound once we declined the testing so I was very relieved when she said that.

We moved into an ultra sound room about 10 min later and things got moving pretty quickly.  We were able to see baby via external sono which was pretty exciting since all of Korban's and our 8 week one this time around were internal due to my tipped uterus.  She measured baby right away and to my surprise 12 weeks 1 day popped up on the screen which is exactly right on schedule.  THAT WAS HUGE!  Things only got better from here.

Baby was very still while she checked for signs of downs (all signs pointed in the positive direction), but as we joked about the kit kat I had eaten on the way over waking him up, he started to move his arms.  (again, ignore my use of male pronouns - we do not know the sex yet)  We never saw Korban move and I still think about that all the time.  I think it was one of the biggest signs when I look back.  Korban was always in the same position and never moved more than a jiggle which we always chalked up to nap time so nothing seemed alarming, but it's obvious now. 

This baby blessed his mama with arm & leg stretches, open palms, a couple flips and even showing off his little tongue a few times.  The strong 159 bpm heart rate was music to all of our ears.  Even Dr's assistant who is usually quietly taking notes in the corner was enthusiastic about what we were seeing.  It was amazing.

I already have my appointments scheduled through December so I headed to the car as soon as we were done and sent Kiel a few overly excited texts since he was still at work.  And then it was like all of the emotions from the day before finally caught up with me on top of the great signs I had just seen and I lost it.  Ugly crying with no kleenex or napkins in sight, I sat in the parking garage for a good 15 minutes soaking up everything I just seen and heard.  I don't think it was until that very moment that I really accepted having a 2nd baby is possible for us.  I know we're not in the clear.  I know I'm still going to worry.  But that appointment was exactly what I needed to be able to breathe again.  To stop making this pregnancy all about our miscarriage.  To let myself enjoy it a little.  I had no idea how much I needed that.

We decided to go ahead and confirm for Jase what he's already known for weeks and it went exactly as I had expected.  The day after I took that first positive pregnancy test, Jase started making comments to Kiel about "being on diaper duty" and "eat all your vegetables so you're ready when that baby comes" just like we would say to him when I was pregnant with Korban.  It was the strangest thing.  Like he just knew...could feel a shift in our lives without being told.  There were a lot of questions due to my rapidly growing belly.  "Are you sure there's not a baby in there mom?"  "That sure is a big baby in your belly."  "When are we going to have another baby?"  SO when we told him, we weren't very shocked that his reaction was not surprise.  He seemed to blow it off like he already knew and when I exclaimed later in the night, "We're going to have a baby!" he said in a very frank, almost annoyed voice, "Ya, I know."  Typical.

The next day was a different story though.  He woke up talking about everything he's going to teach our baby.  How he's going to share his toys and babysit.  He followed my belly around the kitchen talking the entire time and when we got to school he couldn't stop kissing and hugging me saying "I'm so excited we're going to have a baby, mom!"  And the minute he saw his teacher he yellled, "MY MOM'S GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!" So ready or not, the whole town knows lol  He is just the best.

The fateful question, "Will our baby go to Heaven when he comes out of your belly?" came after daycare that day.  He had been telling me about chapel time with Pastor Riley at school and had just recited one of the prayers he had learned so I played off that.  I wanted to be honest with him so I just said, "I sure hope not buddy" and then suggested he say a prayer to Jesus about our baby.  This video is everything...he came up with it all on his own...   

It is overwhelming how much this child understands at only 3 and a half years old.  As much as it rips my heart out every time he asks a question about what happened to his brother, I am so so grateful for his tenderness.  He loves like no other and is going to make the best big brother.  Like Kiel said the other night, "I want this more for him than me."  Amen. 

-Nicole

October 25, 2016

Today is Korban's due date.  I have been dreading this day since we left the hospital after delivering him.  It's been such a strange year for us.  So many emotions.  Time truly has been our greatest healer.  And Jase.  

Today is also my sister and brother-in-laws 13th wedding anniversary.  Seems like yesterday and a different life all at the same time - I can't imagine how they feel about it.

We're 12 weeks today.  It's so hard not to be scared, but it's even harder not to be grateful.  

But, most importantly, today was Jase's first day as snack leader at pre-school :)  His favorite popcorn for everyone.  Honestly, what are the odds?

The significance of it all is large, but it's hard to know what the right amount of attention is meant for this day.  Just being together was enough.  Carving pumpkins might be a good tradition in years to come.  It will give us time together and hopefully more laughter.   


While I haven't been able to put aside my hurt and sadness, I can't help but to think 'I had no idea we'd have so much to celebrate today.'

Not a single day has gone by that I haven't remembered.



-Nicole

P3 - 8 weeks

(written October 1, 2016 - posted after 12 week appointment)

Our anxiously awaited 8 week appointment was September 27th and it went really well.  Baby wiggled his little tail (please excuse my over use of the male pronoun, it's just force of habit) and had a strong heartbeat at 154 bpm.  He measured about 7 weeks 4 days which is about 3 days behind what the first day of my last period would predict (same as Korban), but that could very well be due to a late ovulation cycle.  Based off my last 2 periods and the amount of time it took to get a positive pregnancy test, Dr. Dalton thinks I might ovulate late which is fine, just tends to throw the due date off a little.  She is sticking to my predicted date of May 9th for now and calling every Tuesday the date my weeks change.  She was very encouraged by the start of leg and arm buds on baby, a visible healthy yolk sac and all of my anatomy looked to be progressing as needed.  She also liked the fact that I've been feeling nauseous and overly tired lately...feeling hungover was a sign of a healthy pregnancy with Jase so I'll deal.  As of now, I have not noticed any spotting, but we didn't have our first ultra sound appointment for Korban until 11 weeks so hopefully that won't come up between now and the next appointment at 12 weeks.

It's very hard to feel encouraged ourselves since everything looked great with Korban until 18 weeks, but we're trying.  I don't like to say it out loud, but that nagging feeling in my stomach telling me that something is wrong isn't there.  I'm worried about it all the time, but it's different...again, I can't explain it.

We did a lot of talking about our 12 week appointment that is now scheduled for October 26 (1 day after Korban's due date) because that is when the blood draws for any genetic testing would take place.  I strongly feel Dr Dalton would prefer we did the testing, but she completely reassured us that she would respect whatever decision we made.  We have the option to get the regular testing that is offered to all moms between 11 & 12 weeks (downs, trisomy 18 &13), take it up a level to the Informaseq test that screen for a larger range of chromosomal abnormalities & has a higher percentage of accuracy OR screen for nothing and only give blood samples for normal prenatal tests.  I am at such a loss on how to decide this.  I think Kiel's initial reaction was to do the testing assuming insurance will cover a good portion, but after some discussion, I think he is on the fence as well.

My first thought about getting these tests done at 12 weeks was complete terror.  We didn't find out there was something wrong with Korban until 1 day before he passed away...it was less than 48 hours that we found out and then delivered him.  I cannot imagine finding out any earlier that there could be complications and then going about our daily lives waiting for what could be days, weeks or even months.  The fact that none of these tests can tell us if this baby suffers from Holoprosencephaly or the type of Triploidy Korban had, makes me standoffish to start.  The other issue I have with the tests is that they do not tell you what is exactly wrong, just that there is a possibility for an abnormality.  So a test could come back positive but there could actually be nothing wrong and on the flip side, there is always a chance that the test could come back negative and there actually is something wrong. And yes, as I mentioned, the test we're being offered has a higher accuracy rate, but it's still just a possibility.  sigh.

I received a call today from Lab Corp who would perform the tests after a blood draw at my Dr's office and they informed me insurance is still not going to cover these tests.  But lucky for us (or not), Lab Corp offers the testing which would normally be $950+ out of pocket at a flat rate of $250 for people who do not have insurance coverage.  I was hoping it would be outrageously expensive so it was an easy decision.  After getting off the phone with the woman at Lab Corp, I called a nurse at Dr. Dalton's office to make sure the test they were referring too was everything and we wouldn't be surprised with any other expenses.  She did assure me that the Informaseq w/XY comparison is the only test we would need and gave me a little piece of advice Dr. Nord had once given her.  He said, "I understand why you don't do the genetic testing, but please know we do those tests so we can be assured if there is anything we can do for you or your baby in the outcome of an abnormality, that we have you in the correct facility with the correct people."  I had been so consumed with the thought "the results won't make us terminate the pregnancy" with Jase and "I don't want to find out early just to sit around and worry" with Korban, that I never even considered an abnormality that could be fixed.  A heart defect that would need a heart specialist or anyone else with a higher qualification than the Drs at BroMenn.  I am still not convinced these tests are necessary, but I haven't closed the door...

So many things to consider and worry about.  So different than the first 12 weeks of my last 2 pregnancies.

-Nicole