P3 - 12 weeks

I officially broke out the maternity pants at exactly 10 weeks and that was the first day a mom at school drop off said to me, "where did that belly come from?!"  Even though she already knew (which I had forgot), I started to sweat and turn red because I never thought in a million years anyone would call me out like that.  I kind of wanted to hug her and cry (not hormonal at all, eye roll) because she has been through a very similar and even more taxing situation than Kiel and I.  It felt so amazing to have someone I don't even really know be JOYFUL for this baby.  Don't get me wrong, our family is beyond words excited, but our miscarriage has made me hesitant to talk about this pregnancy so her huge smile and happiness kind of gave me a little boost.  

I've actually been feeling a lot more relaxed about everything since Kiel and I had sort of a "come to Jesus" talk about the whole genetic testing subject.  I think I've been stressed out trying to find a reason to want to do the testing because I feel our dr would prefer to have the results.  I've been researching and talking to people, but nothing was sticking with me.  I finally had a very short and frank conversation with my sister about how I felt in regards to this test not being able to tell us if this baby has what Korban did and she asked me, "You didn't do these tests with Jase or Korban right?"  To which I obviously responded, no, so she said, "Then why do them now if they aren't going to test for anything other than what you didn't care to know before?"  It was kind of like a light bulb went off and a weight lifted off my chest.  She's right.  And Kiel agreed so no testing.  I think we've been putting a lot of emphasis on the cost of the tests, but in reality, if we felt strongly about having them done, we'd pay any amount asked.  It's really not about the money, it's about our gut feeling.  We'll find out when this baby is ready for us to know.  It's amazing how when you make a decision that is right for you/your family, it just feels good.  I don't even have to say, I hope it's the right thing to do because for us, I already know it is.

I haven't been able to bring myself to take official belly pics yet, but maybe next time.
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I was full of nerves and crazy emotions the day of our 12 week appointment.  Probably because the day before was Korban's due date, but mainly because I was so nervous to see and hear our baby.  So. many. fears.

The appointment was October 26 at 2:30 and I was taken to a room right on schedule as usual.  I was so distracted with my worries that when I went to leave a urine sample I forgot to use the cup.  Oops.  Try again next time.  Once in the room, the nurse brought me the paperwork to decline or accept testing after checking my vitals and a few minutes after she took the form, Dr. Dalton popped her head in.  She understood why we declined the testing and didn't even ask me what made us decide that, but wanted to let me know she still planned on doing an ultra sound to check baby's size.  I'm surprised I didn't jump off the table into her arms.  I was worried she wouldn't do the ultra sound once we declined the testing so I was very relieved when she said that.

We moved into an ultra sound room about 10 min later and things got moving pretty quickly.  We were able to see baby via external sono which was pretty exciting since all of Korban's and our 8 week one this time around were internal due to my tipped uterus.  She measured baby right away and to my surprise 12 weeks 1 day popped up on the screen which is exactly right on schedule.  THAT WAS HUGE!  Things only got better from here.

Baby was very still while she checked for signs of downs (all signs pointed in the positive direction), but as we joked about the kit kat I had eaten on the way over waking him up, he started to move his arms.  (again, ignore my use of male pronouns - we do not know the sex yet)  We never saw Korban move and I still think about that all the time.  I think it was one of the biggest signs when I look back.  Korban was always in the same position and never moved more than a jiggle which we always chalked up to nap time so nothing seemed alarming, but it's obvious now. 

This baby blessed his mama with arm & leg stretches, open palms, a couple flips and even showing off his little tongue a few times.  The strong 159 bpm heart rate was music to all of our ears.  Even Dr's assistant who is usually quietly taking notes in the corner was enthusiastic about what we were seeing.  It was amazing.

I already have my appointments scheduled through December so I headed to the car as soon as we were done and sent Kiel a few overly excited texts since he was still at work.  And then it was like all of the emotions from the day before finally caught up with me on top of the great signs I had just seen and I lost it.  Ugly crying with no kleenex or napkins in sight, I sat in the parking garage for a good 15 minutes soaking up everything I just seen and heard.  I don't think it was until that very moment that I really accepted having a 2nd baby is possible for us.  I know we're not in the clear.  I know I'm still going to worry.  But that appointment was exactly what I needed to be able to breathe again.  To stop making this pregnancy all about our miscarriage.  To let myself enjoy it a little.  I had no idea how much I needed that.

We decided to go ahead and confirm for Jase what he's already known for weeks and it went exactly as I had expected.  The day after I took that first positive pregnancy test, Jase started making comments to Kiel about "being on diaper duty" and "eat all your vegetables so you're ready when that baby comes" just like we would say to him when I was pregnant with Korban.  It was the strangest thing.  Like he just knew...could feel a shift in our lives without being told.  There were a lot of questions due to my rapidly growing belly.  "Are you sure there's not a baby in there mom?"  "That sure is a big baby in your belly."  "When are we going to have another baby?"  SO when we told him, we weren't very shocked that his reaction was not surprise.  He seemed to blow it off like he already knew and when I exclaimed later in the night, "We're going to have a baby!" he said in a very frank, almost annoyed voice, "Ya, I know."  Typical.

The next day was a different story though.  He woke up talking about everything he's going to teach our baby.  How he's going to share his toys and babysit.  He followed my belly around the kitchen talking the entire time and when we got to school he couldn't stop kissing and hugging me saying "I'm so excited we're going to have a baby, mom!"  And the minute he saw his teacher he yellled, "MY MOM'S GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!" So ready or not, the whole town knows lol  He is just the best.

The fateful question, "Will our baby go to Heaven when he comes out of your belly?" came after daycare that day.  He had been telling me about chapel time with Pastor Riley at school and had just recited one of the prayers he had learned so I played off that.  I wanted to be honest with him so I just said, "I sure hope not buddy" and then suggested he say a prayer to Jesus about our baby.  This video is everything...he came up with it all on his own...   

It is overwhelming how much this child understands at only 3 and a half years old.  As much as it rips my heart out every time he asks a question about what happened to his brother, I am so so grateful for his tenderness.  He loves like no other and is going to make the best big brother.  Like Kiel said the other night, "I want this more for him than me."  Amen. 

-Nicole