2am Thoughts

This pretty much sums up my brain right now.  I know there are a few others reading this, but this post is for me - I don't remember what I worried about before Jase was born.  Probably things like...learning to nurse, dropping him on his head, did we buy the right diapers, do I need more stuff, how badly will we screw him up?  None of it matters now, but I wish I'd written it all down. 

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Whenever someone asks me how many kids we have after noticing my pregnant belly, I always feel myself pause before answering, "We have a 4 year old son."  It's an unconscious pause, but I always feel it.  I think I pause because my heart says, "we have two boys" but my head says, "this isn't the time to share that."  I can say Korban's name out loud without hesitation around people that know his story.  Jase brings him up frequently and Kiel and I (more likely me) talk about him on a semi-regular basis, but it's not something I can just openly talk about with every inquiring mind I come across.  It's not that I don't want to talk about him or that I'm trying to protect myself, it is, in all honesty to protect them.  Such a simple, harmless question for a person to ask - we've all asked it a thousand times.  The reality is harder to deliver than it is to live.

I've only done it once in the last 11 months and it was at the dentist in March.  Jase and I hadn't been for well over the 6 month time frame because of insurance changes so the last time our hygienist saw us, I was barely 6 weeks pregnant with Korban.  We hadn't even been to the dr, but she remembered.  We got talking about having a girl after having a boy and how different it will be when she innocently said, "Oh right because you have 2 boys!"  I tried to brush it off just telling her Jase was our only son, but I could tell she had reviewed our file before we got there and knew something was off.  I finally said, "There was another boy, but we lost him at 18 weeks."  I could literally feel her heart sink and watched her face turn red as she stopped what she was doing and apologized.  It makes me feel like I should pin an M for miscarriage on my shirt or wear a certain colored ribbon so that people know and those who are comfortable asking can ask and those who aren't can choose another topic.

And then there was the older lady at Walmart who stopped me while I was paying for groceries to tell me how nice I looked.  Her daughter was expecting in May also and she was so excited.  She asked me if we knew what we were having and after I said a girl she asked, "Are you pleased?"  I think I let out a little laugh as the question caught me off guard.  I just told her of course we are and as her eyebrows furrowed she said, "Oh don't say 'of course,' there are a lot of people out there that are disappointed with the gender news."  I don't think I made a face, I just politely said, "we're just thankful she's healthy."  She agreed brushing off my "typical response" and went on her way never knowing the weight of her words.  Never knowing, I actually meant it when I said of course.  I admit, even after having a miscarriage, I was hopeful for a girl.  Selfishly asking for health and preference, I still had an idea in my head what I wanted for our family even after our loss.  I know all parents have those thoughts...well most, maybe not all...but for a stranger to be so blunt with someone not knowing a thing about their backstory was ballsy in my mind.  I hope that woman never speaks those words to a mother who has lost a living child or one that has experienced so many early losses her heart is damaged beyond repair.  

I often catch myself thinking, "we should have 3 children."  But I quickly remind myself that had Korban been healthy, we would not have this baby girl on the way.  The agreement was two.  But I know I'd always wonder if we should of had three because we'd have two boys and no little girl.  Maybe that's why this happened?  What a terrible way to look at his passing.  Maybe we experienced that to ensure us me that two blessings are enough.  Maybe God knew if I was pregnant for 12 out of 15 months, my heart would be content with what he's given us.  I read Jase's 4 year old letter the other day and thought, "maybe Korban is why we got pregnant with Jase unexpectedly."  Maybe He knew we'd need Jase to push through.  And maybe we just weren't ready.  Maybe I pushed getting pregnant too hard and Korban wasn't part of God's plan for us and that's why he wasn't born.  I don't know.  But the closer we get to bringing this baby home, the more I wonder why that happened.  I'm not sad about it, I'm just wondering.

Jase randomly told me the other day that Korban was watching over him and the other kids at daycare.  He said, "He's alive in Heaven so he can see me."  His innocence makes my heart swell and my eyes teary.  And I wonder how he'll react when he's old enough to REALLY grasp what happened.  How will that make him feel when it's his time to have children of his own?  Will that part of our lives make him love his sister more?  Will it give them an unbreakable bond that will last forever?  Will she ever understand what Jase went through when we told him his brother wouldn't come home?  Will our miscarriage haunt me forever?  Will I always look at this little girl and think of the brother we lost?  Will her presence always be "because we lost Korban" ?

So many questions and at the end of the day all that really matters is that we don't take him for granted.  Time has allowed me to "move on".  I can't say time has "made me whole" again, because there will always be a space...a split second pause.  But we are moving on with life.  We don't have to talk about him all the time.  His story doesn't need to be repeated to every acquaintance we make.  We don't need to fill our lives with daily reminders that he existed.  He just needs to live in our hearts.  Kind of like Jesus I suppose.   

-Nicole