P3 - 38 Weeks

Kicking off 38 weeks feeling pretty good with my attitude free buddy by my side.  Still sore and huge, but my energy has been up for the most part and I've felt slightly less crabby lately so that's a plus! 

Our appointment on Wednesday the 19th was short and sweet, but full of great news.  I'm measuring at 38 weeks now probably due to baby dropping slightly.  I know it doesn't really look like it in this picture, but she's definitely lower just big so still taking up all the room.  Dr. Dalton is really happy with my blood pressure, weight gain (glad someone is), and over all attitude about being 38 weeks, but is still leaning towards induction if baby girl doesn't come on her own by our May 9th due date.  As she told me last time, she won't check me unless I request it so I asked to be checked at our 39 week appointment so we can see if I'm progressing the same or close to how I did with Jase.  She confirmed that with a favorable cervix, we can go ahead and set an induction date and is comfortable with setting that anytime after May 3rd.  She also mentioned this won't be considered an elective induction since baby is so big which I'm sure only matters for insurance purposes, but she seemed happy to be recommending we go that route as long as I'm comfortable with it.  While I would like to be done being pregnant anytime now, I'm not trying to rush this baby out.  I know babies need to come on their own time so if we get to the appointment on the 3rd and don't have any progression I will be perfectly fine with waiting until 40 weeks to check again and re-evaluate.  I'm just glad to feel like everyone is on the same page.  And that there is light at the end of this tunnel!

Kiel asked me a few days ago if we're ready for this baby to come and my immediate thought was, yes we just don't have any diapers lol I need to start thinking about packing a bag, but I've got the carseat, stroller and bouncy seat all out and ready to go and her room is JUST about finished so feeling pretty good about things being in order.  But a few minutes later it dawned on me that he wasn't asking about material things...he was asking if WE were ready.  I rephrased the question to, "I'm ready, are you ready?" His immediate, not really, made me laugh out loud.  We really are in a great place as a family.  Don't get me wrong, Jase is still pushing our buttons and keeping us on our toes and we're always learning, but the thought of this newborn coming in and disrupting our lives does seem a little crazy.  There is definitely something to be said for having your children close together, but I know once she's here it will feel like the last piece to our family puzzle is finally in place.

My boss is reluctant to believe I'll make it through next week as I left a week before my due date with Jase, but I feel pretty confident I can hang in there and work until the end.  I feel so much more prepared mentally this time and having Wednesdays off has done me a world of good in these last few weeks.  I am still in shock at what a difference just one extra day a week has made for my mental state.  And while I'm typing this I'm thinking, "but it's going to be SO different!"  So goes life!

Jase broke my heart a little in the car the other night when Kiel and I were discussing our possible upcoming induction by asking if the doctor said our baby is strong.  I told him yes and he immediately broke into a huge smile and exclaimed, "THAT MEANS WE GET TO KEEP HER!"  I could barely ask Kiel for a napkin from the glove box...he sure does know how to pull at my heart strings.

In other news, we celebrated my dad's 60th birthday a little early since his actual birthday is just the day before my due date and we ALMOST pulled off the surprise.  Just a few hours before, he got a phone call from an old friend wishing him a Happy Birthday....2 weeks early.  He was still a good sport even though he knew something was up.  We didn't get many pictures, but we did get the most important one...missing Debbie and we know Jeff was there in spirit...and everyone was all smiles :)

Happy 60th Birthday Dad!

And I got this great video of baby girl while I was making food for the party.  I was in total shock because she NEVER moves like this when I'm standing up, but found out at my appointment that she's face up so her arms and legs are all over my belly right now.  Such a great memory to have!

Looking forward to posting some pictures of the nursery and some maternity photos we had taken at the beginning on the month.  But maybe I'll get to post about our girl's arrival first!  So anxious to meet her!!!!!

-Nicole   

2am Thoughts

This pretty much sums up my brain right now.  I know there are a few others reading this, but this post is for me - I don't remember what I worried about before Jase was born.  Probably things like...learning to nurse, dropping him on his head, did we buy the right diapers, do I need more stuff, how badly will we screw him up?  None of it matters now, but I wish I'd written it all down. 

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Whenever someone asks me how many kids we have after noticing my pregnant belly, I always feel myself pause before answering, "We have a 4 year old son."  It's an unconscious pause, but I always feel it.  I think I pause because my heart says, "we have two boys" but my head says, "this isn't the time to share that."  I can say Korban's name out loud without hesitation around people that know his story.  Jase brings him up frequently and Kiel and I (more likely me) talk about him on a semi-regular basis, but it's not something I can just openly talk about with every inquiring mind I come across.  It's not that I don't want to talk about him or that I'm trying to protect myself, it is, in all honesty to protect them.  Such a simple, harmless question for a person to ask - we've all asked it a thousand times.  The reality is harder to deliver than it is to live.

I've only done it once in the last 11 months and it was at the dentist in March.  Jase and I hadn't been for well over the 6 month time frame because of insurance changes so the last time our hygienist saw us, I was barely 6 weeks pregnant with Korban.  We hadn't even been to the dr, but she remembered.  We got talking about having a girl after having a boy and how different it will be when she innocently said, "Oh right because you have 2 boys!"  I tried to brush it off just telling her Jase was our only son, but I could tell she had reviewed our file before we got there and knew something was off.  I finally said, "There was another boy, but we lost him at 18 weeks."  I could literally feel her heart sink and watched her face turn red as she stopped what she was doing and apologized.  It makes me feel like I should pin an M for miscarriage on my shirt or wear a certain colored ribbon so that people know and those who are comfortable asking can ask and those who aren't can choose another topic.

And then there was the older lady at Walmart who stopped me while I was paying for groceries to tell me how nice I looked.  Her daughter was expecting in May also and she was so excited.  She asked me if we knew what we were having and after I said a girl she asked, "Are you pleased?"  I think I let out a little laugh as the question caught me off guard.  I just told her of course we are and as her eyebrows furrowed she said, "Oh don't say 'of course,' there are a lot of people out there that are disappointed with the gender news."  I don't think I made a face, I just politely said, "we're just thankful she's healthy."  She agreed brushing off my "typical response" and went on her way never knowing the weight of her words.  Never knowing, I actually meant it when I said of course.  I admit, even after having a miscarriage, I was hopeful for a girl.  Selfishly asking for health and preference, I still had an idea in my head what I wanted for our family even after our loss.  I know all parents have those thoughts...well most, maybe not all...but for a stranger to be so blunt with someone not knowing a thing about their backstory was ballsy in my mind.  I hope that woman never speaks those words to a mother who has lost a living child or one that has experienced so many early losses her heart is damaged beyond repair.  

I often catch myself thinking, "we should have 3 children."  But I quickly remind myself that had Korban been healthy, we would not have this baby girl on the way.  The agreement was two.  But I know I'd always wonder if we should of had three because we'd have two boys and no little girl.  Maybe that's why this happened?  What a terrible way to look at his passing.  Maybe we experienced that to ensure us me that two blessings are enough.  Maybe God knew if I was pregnant for 12 out of 15 months, my heart would be content with what he's given us.  I read Jase's 4 year old letter the other day and thought, "maybe Korban is why we got pregnant with Jase unexpectedly."  Maybe He knew we'd need Jase to push through.  And maybe we just weren't ready.  Maybe I pushed getting pregnant too hard and Korban wasn't part of God's plan for us and that's why he wasn't born.  I don't know.  But the closer we get to bringing this baby home, the more I wonder why that happened.  I'm not sad about it, I'm just wondering.

Jase randomly told me the other day that Korban was watching over him and the other kids at daycare.  He said, "He's alive in Heaven so he can see me."  His innocence makes my heart swell and my eyes teary.  And I wonder how he'll react when he's old enough to REALLY grasp what happened.  How will that make him feel when it's his time to have children of his own?  Will that part of our lives make him love his sister more?  Will it give them an unbreakable bond that will last forever?  Will she ever understand what Jase went through when we told him his brother wouldn't come home?  Will our miscarriage haunt me forever?  Will I always look at this little girl and think of the brother we lost?  Will her presence always be "because we lost Korban" ?

So many questions and at the end of the day all that really matters is that we don't take him for granted.  Time has allowed me to "move on".  I can't say time has "made me whole" again, because there will always be a space...a split second pause.  But we are moving on with life.  We don't have to talk about him all the time.  His story doesn't need to be repeated to every acquaintance we make.  We don't need to fill our lives with daily reminders that he existed.  He just needs to live in our hearts.  Kind of like Jesus I suppose.   

-Nicole

P3 - 36 weeks

Baby #2 has arrived!!!

Dane Kyle Morrison was welcomed at 6:58am Friday, April 7th weighing in at 7lbs 5oz and measuring 20 1/4" long.  And I got to meet him (biggest heart eyes) just a week later. 

Everyone seems to be adjusting really well and I just couldn't be happier for them!  Can't wait to snuggle him again in a few weeks when they come to meet baby girl!
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I'm not really sure what to say about 36 weeks other than, are we there yet? I know pregnancy is a beautiful thing and it is not lost on me how lucky I am to have this experience, but I am over it.  I will surely miss the tiny kicks inside me and long to feel them again as I pass cute pregnant woman in Target, but there are more things I won't miss.  I won't miss the looks and questions from strangers, the not sleeping, the maternity clothes, the aches and the waddling.  The shortness of breath and how much energy every little thing requires.  I've had a few rounds of stress related Braxton Hicks contractions and have started experiencing what other pregnant ladies have described as "lightening crotch."  Seriously makes me laugh every time I think about it.  I know I mentioned it with Jase - it's like a pinching feeling near my cervix.  Most drs say it's the baby touching nerves in there and some even say (or maybe it's wishful thinking) that it's dilation occurring.  Either way, something is going on down there.  I don't think Kiel has much sympathy for me considering I've been talking about wanting to be pregnant again since about a year after Jase was born.  It's amazing how you truly forget what the end is like.

We had our 36 week check up on Friday, April 14th and since baby girl is measuring so big we got a bonus ultra sound.  No pictures because she's head down with her hands in front of her face, but everything looked great.  At 36 weeks, Jase was around 7lbs 8oz and at 36 + 3 days, baby girl is around 7lbs 10oz...a close race.  I'm measuring at 40 weeks now (sigh) and she's still in the mid 90s for size percentiles so Dr. Dalton changed her original plan of waiting until 41 weeks to inducing no later than my due date if I don't go on my own before.  If I had my pants on when she told me this, I would have hugged her.  I selfishly mentioned that Jase has his spring program on May 11th in hopes we can work induction around that if necessary to which Dr replied we can start talking induction dates anytime after 39 weeks pending a favorable cervix.  I go weekly from now on and already have my 39 week appointment scheduled so we should know more about a due date after my appointment on May 3rd.  May 5th or 6th is looking like a pretty good weekend to have a baby if you ask me!  

A few pictures from Easter weekend and we're on to the last 3 weeks...........

Holy Belly

Anyone else have a husband like mine that waits until after the "Easter Bunny" has put together a nice Easter basket to go out and find the greatest thing your child will ever receive?  This also happens to Santa Clause most years.  Good thing they're both cute.

-Nicole
      

P3 - 34 weeks

So I peed my pants last week.  I walked in the house after work on Thursday and headed straight for the bathroom as usual because, you know, the fact that I had just peed at work 30 minutes ago means nothing.  I got about 2 steps outside of the bathroom door and felt a tiny little kick to what must have been my bladder and it just happened.  Not just a little bit like when you sneeze or cough too hard, but legit peed my pants.  I just changed my pants and went to my hair appointment thinking, I guess this is life now.

Up until 33 weeks I wasn't REALLY keeping track of how close we were, but the count down is officially on.  When I think about being 34 weeks it makes me feel like the end is just around the corner, but when I think "we have 6, possibly 7, more weeks to go" it kind of makes me cringe.  I just don't know where this girl is going to grow anymore.  Reading Jase's blog, I'm realizing this is normal for me.  My babies are heavy and the pressure is a lot to deal with on a daily basis.  I'm waddling 24/7 now and I pee at least once an hour.  More when we're home.  I'm up at least 3 times a night walking like a zombie to the bathroom...it's insane.  Getting out of the recliner or up off the floor has to be quite the site.  Even the kids at daycare are starting to make comments like, "your belly is getting REALLY big!" 

34 weeks - March 28, 2017

I think the biggest difference between this pregnancy and Jase's is the Braxton Hicks contractions.  I started feeling them a few weeks ago and they've kept increasing as the weeks go by.  I "thought" I felt them toward the end with Jase, but these are much more intense.  Seems like she's getting lower as they get more intense so that's promising, but as long as I stay hydrated and get up and move around a little they subside so seemingly normal.  Dr Dalton says they usually increase with each pregnancy so just going with the flow.

Our 34 week appointment was just a weigh in and check up on March 29th at 9am.  I am officially off on Wednesdays now so Jase goes to the appointments with me.  He keeps things interesting, constantly hogging the attention and asking Dr questions completely unrelated to the reason we're there.  His need to be the center of attention lately probably deserves it's own post, but I think it's fairly normal for this stage in the game.

Anyways, back to baby.

Heartbeat was in the 140s and I'm still measuring at 35 weeks so that was promising!  I'm guessing she just had a big growth spurt between 30 & 32 weeks and that's why I was measuring so far ahead.  Feeling a little better about her not being too far off from Jase in the weight department.  The sharp object I've been feeling in my ribs is probably her heel and her butt has moved over to the right side of my belly so that puts her positioning into perspective a little.  No doubt she's running out of room to stretch, but it's not keeping her from trying. 

Dr confirmed we'll have another sono at 36 weeks along with the Strep B swab and that was it for that appointment.  I go back Friday, April 14th for the last look at our little girl.  We're getting there!

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In other news, the first of 5 babies to be born this year arrived on March 22nd.  Delaney Mae Malone made her appearance in Florida at 7 lbs 1oz 19.5" long and is just as beautiful as her mama.

I have loved hearing the stories from Delaney's birth and reminiscing about my experiences with Jase & Korban.  The pictures Heather & Danny have posted have brought tears to my eyes more than once and made me realize how truly fleeting your baby's first few years are.

So happy for you Malone's!  Can't wait to meet sweet Delaney and celebrate your wedding this year!!!!

2017 is such a big year for my group of friends!  The domino effect has begun and Nicole, you're up next!

I also want to mention that we celebrated Kiel's 35th birthday on March 24th.  I was looking through the last 7 years of fb posts and pictures that make us look like babies and couldn't help but smile.  We may be old and married with little kids and our lives may not be very exciting, but I honestly can't imagine doing life without anyone other than him.  As much as we argue and drive each other crazy (like when I leave the back door open all night, oops), days like these always make me realize how lucky I am to have him.  He still doesn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher and 10 seconds after I post this he'll probably do something that will piss me off, but I'll still love him in the morning.  We have come a long way from those two unprepared kids in 2013.  I'm not sure if we've just learned more about each others wants/needs/likes/dislikes or if I'm just less emotional this time (most likely both), but we're handling this pregnancy much better.  Most days, it feels more like a team effort instead of two separate individuals trying to figure out life.  Most days ;)

And I just realized at 34 weeks with Jase, we were celebrating my 29th birthday - funny that we celebrated Kiel's birthday this round.  Maybe a daddy's girl in the making.    

On to April!

-Nicole

P3 - 30 weeks

I keep complaining about how far away May seems, but time sure is flying when I realize things like...it's been 11 weeks since my last baby update.  Yikes.

          9weeks + 3 days             12 weeks + 5 days                   13 weeks                            16 weeks     

                 19 weeks                      22 weeks                               24 weeks                      26 weeks

Week 30 -

I got so big so quickly, these pictures don't really seem to represent much, but I seem to have had another growth spurt this passed weekend.  Am I carrying high or what?!  That poor tank top lol Whoa baby!

We've painted the nursery, got the crib set up and bought a new dresser, but since the dresser arrived it's been at a standstill... 

To dos:
-Paint
-Put up crib
-Order Dresser 
-Order White blind for window
-Install blind
-Drawback for curtain
-Strip & stain shelves (mom)
-Crib skirt (mom)
-Small table for next to the glider
-Table lamp
-Bring up changing pad/covers/sheets from the basement
-Wash/organize clothes (need hangers)
-Buy hamper & other misc necessities
-Stop ordering things off Etsy

I'm trying to keep the clothes shopping to a minimum which has been pretty easy because we're fortunate enough to have a lot of hand me down options.  Lola, as we've taken to calling her, (I'm fearful she'll never be named) already has quite the wardrobe going. Shopping for bows has proven to be a little overwhelming so gonna hold off on that for awhile too, but we have quite a few hand me downs of those too!

I've started to take inventory of all the things we have from Jase and all the things we'll need to purchase.  Would it be tacky to throw myself a shower?  Kidding.  I've also started going through all the boy clothes that will never be used.  The basement is a current disaster, but I can start taking summer clothes to the consignment shop for sale as of March 1st so there is light at the end of that tunnel.  I'm ready to purge!

I was in and out of the chiropractor a few weeks ago with some pretty severe back pain, but thankfully it's under control for now. It seems the 3rd trimester drop in energy is back so I'm really missing coffee lately (I quit drinking it because I can't seem to keep myself from drinking soda so it had to be one).  By the end of the day I'm pretty stiff and my hips are pretty sore, but it's bearable.  I've definitely gained weight all over with this pregnancy more so than with Jase.  I can feel the heaviness of my body as I grow each week and it's not just the baby.  My legs and arms are larger and I can see a distinct difference in my face.  It's only temporary....it's only temporary....it's only temporary.

We had our 30 week appointment yesterday, February 28th and it was very ummmm eye opening.

First the scale.  For whatever reason, I didn't get weighed at my last appointment so when 184 popped up on the scale I'm sure my face showed my surprise.  I know I just said I can tell I've gained a lot of weight, but I was not expecting to be up 34 lbs with 10 weeks left to go.  Only 6 more lbs to surpass my total weight gain of 40lbs with Jase.  Not like it's going to stop me from eating whatever I want so we'll just move on.

Dr. Dalton wanted to go over everything at this appointment - birth plan, after birth plan, how I'm handling baby #2 emotionally, if I feel safe at home (watch your step Kiel), placenta placement and any/all questions/concerns I'm having.  She got her questions out of the way fairly quickly...vaginal birth with epidural, birth control w/follow up vasectomy for Kiel in a year or so delivering at BroMenn and baby well checks with our family dr in Chenoa after she is checked out by the on call Neonatal Physician when we deliver.  I learned that episiotomies are a thing of the past and the likelihood of me tearing where I had one with Jase is higher because the skin is weaker.  Fun!  She won't let me go passed 41 weeks which already seems too long, but reassuring there is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how I reach it.  We won't be getting any fun 3 or 4D ultra sounds this time around since there do not appear to be any kidney issues and baby is otherwise healthy...all the praise hands!  But a little disappointing not to have something to compare to her brother.  The only thing I forgot to ask about is if she has plans to be gone around our due date.  The nurse I asked didn't believe so, but I've made a note to ask next time.  I also got my TDAP shot which was nothing, but is now really sore today...cry me a river I know.  And on to the ultra sound...

Baby girl was awake and wanted us to know it.  Every time Dr. Dalton pushed the wand on my stomach, she would respond with a punch or kick which made us all giggle.  Right away, Dr. Dalton confirmed the placenta has grown away from my cervix and baby is head down - outstanding news!  She measured her head, stomach and femur bones and each time exclaimed "Oh she's tall!" or "She's a big girl!"  She asked me to remind her how big Jase was and when I said 9lbs she responded, "hmmmm, she might be bigger than brother."  Thankfully she isn't concerned by this since I've already naturally birthed a 9lb baby, but my lady parts cringed at a lot of this information.  All the measurements came up between 90 & 93.5% for size and the final weight estimate is 4.2 lbs.  As baby should gain an additional .5 lbs per week from here on out, we are in fact on track for another 9lb baby.  And in case you're wondering like I was, Jase was measuring at 2lbs 12oz at his 28 week appointment so she's got a little over 2lbs on him with a 2 week difference.  Gah.

There is no doubt she's in there growing away as I feel her 24/7 on every single inch of my stomach.  Sometimes it feels like she's in between my pelvic bones and sometimes I feel like she's going to jump out of the top of my stomach.  When I lay on my side at night, she will start pushing or rubbing on the side I'm laying on and it tickles.  She has found my bladder just as her brother did around this point and constantly has me running to the bathroom.  I can tell my skin is stretching thinner and recently I was able to feel what I think was probably her butt next to my belly button when I pushed down.  Kiel has seen movement, but hasn't felt her.  Jase has felt her kick a few times.  He's not usually patient enough to sit and wait and she usually stops moving when I call them over so still not something that happens often for them, but I know she is definitely on the move.

I haven't even picked up my before baby book that I was attached to and constantly quoting when pregnant with Jase so no surprise I haven't been checking baby center for growth info, but here's the 30 week post from Jase that should have all that in there.  So so crazy how much has changed since that post.

Our doctor appointments are now every 2 weeks and we will have one more ultra sound to check growth for our little overachiever. 

10 more weeks! 

-Nicole    

4 years flew by

Jase,

My how much you've seen this year.

You had your first trip to the dentist and started school without batting an eye.
You lived in your sandbox and on "the beach."
You got to see Wrigley Field after the Cubs won the World Series for the first time since 1908.
You shot your first gun, fished, golfed and went for countless cart and bike rides.

You tested us...OH how you continue to test us.

You suffered a loss above and beyond your comprehension.  And after we cried on the living room floor and answered your questions, you showed us that you have the biggest heart in all the world.

I'm sorry so much of year 3 was about the brother we lost.  I'm sorry you had to wrap your growing mind around such a big life event at your young age.

It truly brings tears to my eyes to realize how much your heart has felt.  But it also makes me SO PROUD of you.  Your compassion and true understanding for what happened to our family has not been lost on your father and me.


We are in awe of you.

Who knows what life would be like if we had endured that without you by our side.  You saved us.  Your smile, your unconditional love, your prayers, your questions, your tears...everything you have done since we said goodbye to Korban has made our lives better.  You are the reason we wake up every morning.  I am so thankful for you being exactly who you are.  Smart mouth, selective hearing and all the in between. 

Just like every year, I am sad to see another year has flown by us, but this one is a little easier to say goodbye to.  With the arrival of your sister just around the corner, I am more anxious for another year with you than ever.  The love you have shown for her already, in your words, "makes my heart break from all your love."  It never ceases to amaze me how such a little person can have such a big personality and so much love inside them.  You know just when to turn on that charm and thos
e long eye lashes of yours are the icing on the cake.

Since starting school, you love to draw and cut and glue and color and tape and anything that has to do with paper or playdoh.  Our home is full of "gift cards" and endless amounts of hand drawn pictures.  Construction and farming are also still a very large part of your daily routine.  Just the other morning you were daydreaming about a mini excavator in your size.  You asked me if I could order it online since they don't sell them in stores and maybe a bone detector so you can be a "discoverer" and find deer bones in the ground.  You once brought home a cardboard snowmobile that you made at Kyra's for your sister and gave it turbo wheels and a car seat so she'd be safe.  Your imagination grows every single day and I'm so glad you share it with me.

We cuddle and cook and you like to take me on dates to Panera, but you are your daddy's shadow.  Currently, you've decided to stick to duck hunting because deer hunting is disgusting; but where your dad goes, you are not far behind with your work gloves or a tool to match.  He answers every question you ask with an explanation about how something works or the reason he's doing whatever he's doing and you soak up Every. Single. Word.  You are the best of muchachos.

Your favorite phrases are "Did you never know....?" and "Wannaknowwhat?"  Yes that is one word.  A very good representation of your ability to never actually stop talking.   

I wish I could record every single moment I spend with you so I could show the world and you when you're older.  My baby boy is smart, often too smart.  He's mouthy and stubborn and sometimes pushes me to a place where I question every parenting decision we make.  He is determined and imaginative, sweet and caring.  He has a switch like a light that is unpredictable and keeps us on our toes (I feel like I've said this in past years).  He talks to us like a teenager going through puberty sometimes (your father and I are trying our very best to figure this stage out)  He is so very handsome and loves his mama.  He is sensitive and empathetic and I hope he stays that way his whole life.  As crazy as you sometimes make me, I could gush over you for hours kid. 

Let's just continue this 20 questions game from last year....

Jase Russell Pshak, 3 years + 364 days old

1. What is your favorite color? Blue & black & green 

2. What is your favorite toy? all of them

3. What is your favorite food? macaroni

4. What is your favorite drink? milk and water

5. What makes you happy? snuggling with you and my toys

6. What makes you sad? spankins

7.  What makes you scared?ghostes

8. What is your favorite game? magnets

9. What is your favorite snack? chips

10. What is your favorite animal? elephants

11. What is your favorite song? sticky sticky bubble gum

12. What is your favorite book? tickle monster

13. Who is your best friend? mommy and daddy

14. What is your favorite thing to do? hug

15. What is your favorite sport? basketball

16. Where is your favorite place to go? a hotel

17. If you could have one super power what would it be? being strong

18. What is love? hugging and kissing

19. What do you want to be when you grow up? a diver

20. What do you want for your birthday? a picture frame and a picture

I hope year 4 is one for the books.  Please help me as I learn to spread my love evenly between all of my babies.  That patience word we've been using so much lately will apply to all of us, I'm sure.

No matter what this year brings us, never forget - you are my first born.  You made me a mother.  We have an unbreakable bond that I know is one of a kind.  Your sister will fill us all up with even more love, but even she cannot overtake the space I have in my heart for you.  I will always love you fiercely.  I will always be on and by your side.  You will always be my baby boy.

To another trip around the "sun, beautiful sun!"

I love you, love you bugaboo
Mom




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I read this article online just a few days after I wrote this post.  If you take out the comments about more girls in the house, I feel like I could have written it myself.  I mean, my mouth was hanging open from all the similarities....all the way down to "the baby we lost."  Time is going too fast.

https://www.babble.com/parenting/it-used-to-be-me/?utm_source=huffingtonpost.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=pubexchange_facebook

P3 - 18 & 19 weeks

I am so bad at blogging.  We had our biggest appointment to date and I haven't written a word about it.  Here we go...

Week 18 - Anatomy Scan and most anticipated doctor's appointment of my life

Our appointment was Friday, December 9th at 9:45am and started right on schedule.  Weight (up almost 20 lbs already for those keeping track, sigh), pee in a cup, vitals and then off to the sono room.  It was immediately apparent that this baby had a healthy brain (who knew this picture could be so exciting!) and was quickly reading ahead of schedule in the size department...75th percentile and 4 days ahead of schedule...usually shocking, in this case praised.  We found out the placenta had moved further down and was partially blocking my cervix.  Dr. Dalton asked me not to google placenta previa until we recheck at 30 weeks because this could resolve on it's own and not be an issue, but did want to make me aware that if the placenta doesn't move out of the way I will be in for a c-section.  Not my first request, but I'm up for it if that's what it comes down to.  Early delivery is often necessary in order to minimize hemorrhaging and just have complete control over the situation, but until we cross that bridge, we'll just focus on the baby.  Femur bones were normal, no signs of a cleft pallet, kidneys look good (happy dance!), all 4 chambers of the heart visible, the cutest little profile with the cutest little button nose, but when she started looking at genitals to confirm sex I realized something was missing.  I looked at Kiel and said, "there's not a penis in that picture."  Everyone in the room laughed and Dr Dalton said she would officially confirm after baby woke up and moved a little, but she was leaning toward girl too.  HOLY CRAP!  The boy parts were SO obvious with Jase & Korban, I think I just expected to see them again, but those 3 lines I'd heard about from friends with girls were clearly staring us in the face. (forgot to print us a gender pic, will ask at next visit)  After some good movement from baby Dr Dalton confirmed we were looking at our daughter....

To back up for a minute:  In the 3 days prior to this appointment, I started to REALLY feel this baby moving.  Each morning for 3 days, between 8am & 9am, I would sit down in my chair at work and immediately feel this tiny human inside of me.  It was so encouraging.  Those tiny kicks finally allowed me to stop thinking the worst about our 18 week appointment and actually look forward to finding out what this baby's gender is.  I had been saying for awhile that I felt like the baby was a girl for a few reasons.  I felt like I was carrying higher, my face looked (to me) more bloated than normal, my butt wasn't AS big as it was with the boys, but the main reason was; I wasn't asking Kiel to go to dairy queen for a blizzard every single night like I did with the boys.  instead, I wanted vegetables and home cooked meals.  BUT, just like with Jase, in the week leading up to our appointment, I started to feel like we were having another boy and to be honest...it made me a little sad.  Even before I was ever ready to have children, I always saw myself with 2 boys and when we found out Korban was a boy I was completely content.  Maybe a twinge of sadness for never seeing bows and colorful leggings in my future, but 99% content with selling my maternity clothes and embracing total #boymom status.  And even now that we've accepted Korban's life in Heaven, I still feel like I am a mom to 2 boys.  I carried him and birthed him and love(d) him.  The thought of having a 3rd boy almost felt like a "replacement" instead of a 3rd baby.  I didn't want him to be "just one of the boys" or for people to say, "Oh it's like you got Korban back."  So when Dr Dalton confirmed we were having a girl, I nervous laughed with Kiel and secretly celebrated.  Not because I wouldn't have loved another boy, but because to me, instead of just filing in a void this baby girl completes our family.  It's different than what I expected, but what about this last year hasn't been?  I got my two boys even if one only lives in my heart and now we're going to have a little girl...our rainbow baby.  It's like a dream come true that I didn't even know I wanted.
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Saturday, December 10th - gender reveal
While most of our family couldn't wait to hear the news, we wanted a fun way to announce it to Jase so I ordered some golf balls off Etsy that explode pink or blue when struck.  Jase was so excited when we told him what we were doing.  Grandpa & Cindy, the Brummel family, Lindsey, our neighbor Jeanne and the surprise visitors of the day, the DeVries clan bundled up and head to the backyard to take pictures and video.  As luck would have it, Lindsey & Suzy were the only ones who got any footage so a big shout out to them for being there and capturing everything! 

Jase had been saying for months that he wanted a sister, but the week before we found out he had switched to wanting a brother after he found a pair of old snow boots that he could share with his brother lol He was sad for a split second when that ball exploded pink, but he's been beaming proud of having a baby sister ever since.  When I told him the Dr told us our baby was very healthy he exclaimed, "She's going to get to come live with us!!"  And when he took the little sister shirt upstairs that I had bought, he held on to it like it was walking up the stairs and said, "Come on baby sister."  He's going to be the best big brother to a little girl...I cannot wait!

Week 19 -

This picture does not do the way I feel justice.  I am sore.  And huge.  My sciatic nerve has been bothering me as the day goes on, but it comes and goes so not a complete issue as of now.  I'm up at least once in the middle of the night to pee, but usually see each hour throughout the night.  I'm constantly out of breath and am pretty reluctant to carry Jase very far or really even pick him up.  Sob.  I honestly feel like I've been pregnant since February so May seems pretty far off, but I know it's true that it will be here before I know it.

On a positive note, I recently stopped taking my anti-nausea meds.  So there's that.  My above list of complaints will be short lived and all worth it once she's here.

I ended up going to the Dr the Monday before we hit 19 weeks because the respiratory infection Jase had passed on to us had really gotten to me.  Kiel had bronchitis treated with antibiotics, a steroid and an inhaler, Jase was on his 2nd round of antibiotics and I thankfully got a z pack.  Yay winter.  I noticed over the weekend that I wasn't feeling her movements like I had before our appointment on Friday so it was reassuring to hear her moving around when we listened to her heartbeat on Monday.  I'm crossing my fingers that might mean my placenta has moved back up preventing me from feeling her movements.  We shall see.

I turned 33 on Wednesday and we celebrated by staying in out of the cold, ordering dinner and having cake...a few of our favorite things!  Jase told me on the way to Kyra's that he got me, "His biggest heart full of all his love."  Where this kid comes up with this stuff, will have us guessing forever I'm sure.  What more could a mother ask for!?!?!  Next year we're getting a babysitter and going out...maybe lol

Thankful for healthy baby news last week and another successful, never boring trip around the sun with my favorites.  Love these crazy boys more than they will ever know....

-Nicole

Jase 18 weeks
Korban 18 weeks