P3 - 38 Weeks

Kicking off 38 weeks feeling pretty good with my attitude free buddy by my side.  Still sore and huge, but my energy has been up for the most part and I've felt slightly less crabby lately so that's a plus! 

Our appointment on Wednesday the 19th was short and sweet, but full of great news.  I'm measuring at 38 weeks now probably due to baby dropping slightly.  I know it doesn't really look like it in this picture, but she's definitely lower just big so still taking up all the room.  Dr. Dalton is really happy with my blood pressure, weight gain (glad someone is), and over all attitude about being 38 weeks, but is still leaning towards induction if baby girl doesn't come on her own by our May 9th due date.  As she told me last time, she won't check me unless I request it so I asked to be checked at our 39 week appointment so we can see if I'm progressing the same or close to how I did with Jase.  She confirmed that with a favorable cervix, we can go ahead and set an induction date and is comfortable with setting that anytime after May 3rd.  She also mentioned this won't be considered an elective induction since baby is so big which I'm sure only matters for insurance purposes, but she seemed happy to be recommending we go that route as long as I'm comfortable with it.  While I would like to be done being pregnant anytime now, I'm not trying to rush this baby out.  I know babies need to come on their own time so if we get to the appointment on the 3rd and don't have any progression I will be perfectly fine with waiting until 40 weeks to check again and re-evaluate.  I'm just glad to feel like everyone is on the same page.  And that there is light at the end of this tunnel!

Kiel asked me a few days ago if we're ready for this baby to come and my immediate thought was, yes we just don't have any diapers lol I need to start thinking about packing a bag, but I've got the carseat, stroller and bouncy seat all out and ready to go and her room is JUST about finished so feeling pretty good about things being in order.  But a few minutes later it dawned on me that he wasn't asking about material things...he was asking if WE were ready.  I rephrased the question to, "I'm ready, are you ready?" His immediate, not really, made me laugh out loud.  We really are in a great place as a family.  Don't get me wrong, Jase is still pushing our buttons and keeping us on our toes and we're always learning, but the thought of this newborn coming in and disrupting our lives does seem a little crazy.  There is definitely something to be said for having your children close together, but I know once she's here it will feel like the last piece to our family puzzle is finally in place.

My boss is reluctant to believe I'll make it through next week as I left a week before my due date with Jase, but I feel pretty confident I can hang in there and work until the end.  I feel so much more prepared mentally this time and having Wednesdays off has done me a world of good in these last few weeks.  I am still in shock at what a difference just one extra day a week has made for my mental state.  And while I'm typing this I'm thinking, "but it's going to be SO different!"  So goes life!

Jase broke my heart a little in the car the other night when Kiel and I were discussing our possible upcoming induction by asking if the doctor said our baby is strong.  I told him yes and he immediately broke into a huge smile and exclaimed, "THAT MEANS WE GET TO KEEP HER!"  I could barely ask Kiel for a napkin from the glove box...he sure does know how to pull at my heart strings.

In other news, we celebrated my dad's 60th birthday a little early since his actual birthday is just the day before my due date and we ALMOST pulled off the surprise.  Just a few hours before, he got a phone call from an old friend wishing him a Happy Birthday....2 weeks early.  He was still a good sport even though he knew something was up.  We didn't get many pictures, but we did get the most important one...missing Debbie and we know Jeff was there in spirit...and everyone was all smiles :)

Happy 60th Birthday Dad!

And I got this great video of baby girl while I was making food for the party.  I was in total shock because she NEVER moves like this when I'm standing up, but found out at my appointment that she's face up so her arms and legs are all over my belly right now.  Such a great memory to have!

Looking forward to posting some pictures of the nursery and some maternity photos we had taken at the beginning on the month.  But maybe I'll get to post about our girl's arrival first!  So anxious to meet her!!!!!

-Nicole   

2am Thoughts

This pretty much sums up my brain right now.  I know there are a few others reading this, but this post is for me - I don't remember what I worried about before Jase was born.  Probably things like...learning to nurse, dropping him on his head, did we buy the right diapers, do I need more stuff, how badly will we screw him up?  None of it matters now, but I wish I'd written it all down. 

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Whenever someone asks me how many kids we have after noticing my pregnant belly, I always feel myself pause before answering, "We have a 4 year old son."  It's an unconscious pause, but I always feel it.  I think I pause because my heart says, "we have two boys" but my head says, "this isn't the time to share that."  I can say Korban's name out loud without hesitation around people that know his story.  Jase brings him up frequently and Kiel and I (more likely me) talk about him on a semi-regular basis, but it's not something I can just openly talk about with every inquiring mind I come across.  It's not that I don't want to talk about him or that I'm trying to protect myself, it is, in all honesty to protect them.  Such a simple, harmless question for a person to ask - we've all asked it a thousand times.  The reality is harder to deliver than it is to live.

I've only done it once in the last 11 months and it was at the dentist in March.  Jase and I hadn't been for well over the 6 month time frame because of insurance changes so the last time our hygienist saw us, I was barely 6 weeks pregnant with Korban.  We hadn't even been to the dr, but she remembered.  We got talking about having a girl after having a boy and how different it will be when she innocently said, "Oh right because you have 2 boys!"  I tried to brush it off just telling her Jase was our only son, but I could tell she had reviewed our file before we got there and knew something was off.  I finally said, "There was another boy, but we lost him at 18 weeks."  I could literally feel her heart sink and watched her face turn red as she stopped what she was doing and apologized.  It makes me feel like I should pin an M for miscarriage on my shirt or wear a certain colored ribbon so that people know and those who are comfortable asking can ask and those who aren't can choose another topic.

And then there was the older lady at Walmart who stopped me while I was paying for groceries to tell me how nice I looked.  Her daughter was expecting in May also and she was so excited.  She asked me if we knew what we were having and after I said a girl she asked, "Are you pleased?"  I think I let out a little laugh as the question caught me off guard.  I just told her of course we are and as her eyebrows furrowed she said, "Oh don't say 'of course,' there are a lot of people out there that are disappointed with the gender news."  I don't think I made a face, I just politely said, "we're just thankful she's healthy."  She agreed brushing off my "typical response" and went on her way never knowing the weight of her words.  Never knowing, I actually meant it when I said of course.  I admit, even after having a miscarriage, I was hopeful for a girl.  Selfishly asking for health and preference, I still had an idea in my head what I wanted for our family even after our loss.  I know all parents have those thoughts...well most, maybe not all...but for a stranger to be so blunt with someone not knowing a thing about their backstory was ballsy in my mind.  I hope that woman never speaks those words to a mother who has lost a living child or one that has experienced so many early losses her heart is damaged beyond repair.  

I often catch myself thinking, "we should have 3 children."  But I quickly remind myself that had Korban been healthy, we would not have this baby girl on the way.  The agreement was two.  But I know I'd always wonder if we should of had three because we'd have two boys and no little girl.  Maybe that's why this happened?  What a terrible way to look at his passing.  Maybe we experienced that to ensure us me that two blessings are enough.  Maybe God knew if I was pregnant for 12 out of 15 months, my heart would be content with what he's given us.  I read Jase's 4 year old letter the other day and thought, "maybe Korban is why we got pregnant with Jase unexpectedly."  Maybe He knew we'd need Jase to push through.  And maybe we just weren't ready.  Maybe I pushed getting pregnant too hard and Korban wasn't part of God's plan for us and that's why he wasn't born.  I don't know.  But the closer we get to bringing this baby home, the more I wonder why that happened.  I'm not sad about it, I'm just wondering.

Jase randomly told me the other day that Korban was watching over him and the other kids at daycare.  He said, "He's alive in Heaven so he can see me."  His innocence makes my heart swell and my eyes teary.  And I wonder how he'll react when he's old enough to REALLY grasp what happened.  How will that make him feel when it's his time to have children of his own?  Will that part of our lives make him love his sister more?  Will it give them an unbreakable bond that will last forever?  Will she ever understand what Jase went through when we told him his brother wouldn't come home?  Will our miscarriage haunt me forever?  Will I always look at this little girl and think of the brother we lost?  Will her presence always be "because we lost Korban" ?

So many questions and at the end of the day all that really matters is that we don't take him for granted.  Time has allowed me to "move on".  I can't say time has "made me whole" again, because there will always be a space...a split second pause.  But we are moving on with life.  We don't have to talk about him all the time.  His story doesn't need to be repeated to every acquaintance we make.  We don't need to fill our lives with daily reminders that he existed.  He just needs to live in our hearts.  Kind of like Jesus I suppose.   

-Nicole

P3 - 36 weeks

Baby #2 has arrived!!!

Dane Kyle Morrison was welcomed at 6:58am Friday, April 7th weighing in at 7lbs 5oz and measuring 20 1/4" long.  And I got to meet him (biggest heart eyes) just a week later. 

Everyone seems to be adjusting really well and I just couldn't be happier for them!  Can't wait to snuggle him again in a few weeks when they come to meet baby girl!
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I'm not really sure what to say about 36 weeks other than, are we there yet? I know pregnancy is a beautiful thing and it is not lost on me how lucky I am to have this experience, but I am over it.  I will surely miss the tiny kicks inside me and long to feel them again as I pass cute pregnant woman in Target, but there are more things I won't miss.  I won't miss the looks and questions from strangers, the not sleeping, the maternity clothes, the aches and the waddling.  The shortness of breath and how much energy every little thing requires.  I've had a few rounds of stress related Braxton Hicks contractions and have started experiencing what other pregnant ladies have described as "lightening crotch."  Seriously makes me laugh every time I think about it.  I know I mentioned it with Jase - it's like a pinching feeling near my cervix.  Most drs say it's the baby touching nerves in there and some even say (or maybe it's wishful thinking) that it's dilation occurring.  Either way, something is going on down there.  I don't think Kiel has much sympathy for me considering I've been talking about wanting to be pregnant again since about a year after Jase was born.  It's amazing how you truly forget what the end is like.

We had our 36 week check up on Friday, April 14th and since baby girl is measuring so big we got a bonus ultra sound.  No pictures because she's head down with her hands in front of her face, but everything looked great.  At 36 weeks, Jase was around 7lbs 8oz and at 36 + 3 days, baby girl is around 7lbs 10oz...a close race.  I'm measuring at 40 weeks now (sigh) and she's still in the mid 90s for size percentiles so Dr. Dalton changed her original plan of waiting until 41 weeks to inducing no later than my due date if I don't go on my own before.  If I had my pants on when she told me this, I would have hugged her.  I selfishly mentioned that Jase has his spring program on May 11th in hopes we can work induction around that if necessary to which Dr replied we can start talking induction dates anytime after 39 weeks pending a favorable cervix.  I go weekly from now on and already have my 39 week appointment scheduled so we should know more about a due date after my appointment on May 3rd.  May 5th or 6th is looking like a pretty good weekend to have a baby if you ask me!  

A few pictures from Easter weekend and we're on to the last 3 weeks...........

Holy Belly

Anyone else have a husband like mine that waits until after the "Easter Bunny" has put together a nice Easter basket to go out and find the greatest thing your child will ever receive?  This also happens to Santa Clause most years.  Good thing they're both cute.

-Nicole
      

P3 - 34 weeks

So I peed my pants last week.  I walked in the house after work on Thursday and headed straight for the bathroom as usual because, you know, the fact that I had just peed at work 30 minutes ago means nothing.  I got about 2 steps outside of the bathroom door and felt a tiny little kick to what must have been my bladder and it just happened.  Not just a little bit like when you sneeze or cough too hard, but legit peed my pants.  I just changed my pants and went to my hair appointment thinking, I guess this is life now.

Up until 33 weeks I wasn't REALLY keeping track of how close we were, but the count down is officially on.  When I think about being 34 weeks it makes me feel like the end is just around the corner, but when I think "we have 6, possibly 7, more weeks to go" it kind of makes me cringe.  I just don't know where this girl is going to grow anymore.  Reading Jase's blog, I'm realizing this is normal for me.  My babies are heavy and the pressure is a lot to deal with on a daily basis.  I'm waddling 24/7 now and I pee at least once an hour.  More when we're home.  I'm up at least 3 times a night walking like a zombie to the bathroom...it's insane.  Getting out of the recliner or up off the floor has to be quite the site.  Even the kids at daycare are starting to make comments like, "your belly is getting REALLY big!" 

34 weeks - March 28, 2017

I think the biggest difference between this pregnancy and Jase's is the Braxton Hicks contractions.  I started feeling them a few weeks ago and they've kept increasing as the weeks go by.  I "thought" I felt them toward the end with Jase, but these are much more intense.  Seems like she's getting lower as they get more intense so that's promising, but as long as I stay hydrated and get up and move around a little they subside so seemingly normal.  Dr Dalton says they usually increase with each pregnancy so just going with the flow.

Our 34 week appointment was just a weigh in and check up on March 29th at 9am.  I am officially off on Wednesdays now so Jase goes to the appointments with me.  He keeps things interesting, constantly hogging the attention and asking Dr questions completely unrelated to the reason we're there.  His need to be the center of attention lately probably deserves it's own post, but I think it's fairly normal for this stage in the game.

Anyways, back to baby.

Heartbeat was in the 140s and I'm still measuring at 35 weeks so that was promising!  I'm guessing she just had a big growth spurt between 30 & 32 weeks and that's why I was measuring so far ahead.  Feeling a little better about her not being too far off from Jase in the weight department.  The sharp object I've been feeling in my ribs is probably her heel and her butt has moved over to the right side of my belly so that puts her positioning into perspective a little.  No doubt she's running out of room to stretch, but it's not keeping her from trying. 

Dr confirmed we'll have another sono at 36 weeks along with the Strep B swab and that was it for that appointment.  I go back Friday, April 14th for the last look at our little girl.  We're getting there!

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In other news, the first of 5 babies to be born this year arrived on March 22nd.  Delaney Mae Malone made her appearance in Florida at 7 lbs 1oz 19.5" long and is just as beautiful as her mama.

I have loved hearing the stories from Delaney's birth and reminiscing about my experiences with Jase & Korban.  The pictures Heather & Danny have posted have brought tears to my eyes more than once and made me realize how truly fleeting your baby's first few years are.

So happy for you Malone's!  Can't wait to meet sweet Delaney and celebrate your wedding this year!!!!

2017 is such a big year for my group of friends!  The domino effect has begun and Nicole, you're up next!

I also want to mention that we celebrated Kiel's 35th birthday on March 24th.  I was looking through the last 7 years of fb posts and pictures that make us look like babies and couldn't help but smile.  We may be old and married with little kids and our lives may not be very exciting, but I honestly can't imagine doing life without anyone other than him.  As much as we argue and drive each other crazy (like when I leave the back door open all night, oops), days like these always make me realize how lucky I am to have him.  He still doesn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher and 10 seconds after I post this he'll probably do something that will piss me off, but I'll still love him in the morning.  We have come a long way from those two unprepared kids in 2013.  I'm not sure if we've just learned more about each others wants/needs/likes/dislikes or if I'm just less emotional this time (most likely both), but we're handling this pregnancy much better.  Most days, it feels more like a team effort instead of two separate individuals trying to figure out life.  Most days ;)

And I just realized at 34 weeks with Jase, we were celebrating my 29th birthday - funny that we celebrated Kiel's birthday this round.  Maybe a daddy's girl in the making.    

On to April!

-Nicole

P3 - 30 weeks

I keep complaining about how far away May seems, but time sure is flying when I realize things like...it's been 11 weeks since my last baby update.  Yikes.

          9weeks + 3 days             12 weeks + 5 days                   13 weeks                            16 weeks     

                 19 weeks                      22 weeks                               24 weeks                      26 weeks

Week 30 -

I got so big so quickly, these pictures don't really seem to represent much, but I seem to have had another growth spurt this passed weekend.  Am I carrying high or what?!  That poor tank top lol Whoa baby!

We've painted the nursery, got the crib set up and bought a new dresser, but since the dresser arrived it's been at a standstill... 

To dos:
-Paint
-Put up crib
-Order Dresser 
-Order White blind for window
-Install blind
-Drawback for curtain
-Strip & stain shelves (mom)
-Crib skirt (mom)
-Small table for next to the glider
-Table lamp
-Bring up changing pad/covers/sheets from the basement
-Wash/organize clothes (need hangers)
-Buy hamper & other misc necessities
-Stop ordering things off Etsy

I'm trying to keep the clothes shopping to a minimum which has been pretty easy because we're fortunate enough to have a lot of hand me down options.  Lola, as we've taken to calling her, (I'm fearful she'll never be named) already has quite the wardrobe going. Shopping for bows has proven to be a little overwhelming so gonna hold off on that for awhile too, but we have quite a few hand me downs of those too!

I've started to take inventory of all the things we have from Jase and all the things we'll need to purchase.  Would it be tacky to throw myself a shower?  Kidding.  I've also started going through all the boy clothes that will never be used.  The basement is a current disaster, but I can start taking summer clothes to the consignment shop for sale as of March 1st so there is light at the end of that tunnel.  I'm ready to purge!

I was in and out of the chiropractor a few weeks ago with some pretty severe back pain, but thankfully it's under control for now. It seems the 3rd trimester drop in energy is back so I'm really missing coffee lately (I quit drinking it because I can't seem to keep myself from drinking soda so it had to be one).  By the end of the day I'm pretty stiff and my hips are pretty sore, but it's bearable.  I've definitely gained weight all over with this pregnancy more so than with Jase.  I can feel the heaviness of my body as I grow each week and it's not just the baby.  My legs and arms are larger and I can see a distinct difference in my face.  It's only temporary....it's only temporary....it's only temporary.

We had our 30 week appointment yesterday, February 28th and it was very ummmm eye opening.

First the scale.  For whatever reason, I didn't get weighed at my last appointment so when 184 popped up on the scale I'm sure my face showed my surprise.  I know I just said I can tell I've gained a lot of weight, but I was not expecting to be up 34 lbs with 10 weeks left to go.  Only 6 more lbs to surpass my total weight gain of 40lbs with Jase.  Not like it's going to stop me from eating whatever I want so we'll just move on.

Dr. Dalton wanted to go over everything at this appointment - birth plan, after birth plan, how I'm handling baby #2 emotionally, if I feel safe at home (watch your step Kiel), placenta placement and any/all questions/concerns I'm having.  She got her questions out of the way fairly quickly...vaginal birth with epidural, birth control w/follow up vasectomy for Kiel in a year or so delivering at BroMenn and baby well checks with our family dr in Chenoa after she is checked out by the on call Neonatal Physician when we deliver.  I learned that episiotomies are a thing of the past and the likelihood of me tearing where I had one with Jase is higher because the skin is weaker.  Fun!  She won't let me go passed 41 weeks which already seems too long, but reassuring there is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how I reach it.  We won't be getting any fun 3 or 4D ultra sounds this time around since there do not appear to be any kidney issues and baby is otherwise healthy...all the praise hands!  But a little disappointing not to have something to compare to her brother.  The only thing I forgot to ask about is if she has plans to be gone around our due date.  The nurse I asked didn't believe so, but I've made a note to ask next time.  I also got my TDAP shot which was nothing, but is now really sore today...cry me a river I know.  And on to the ultra sound...

Baby girl was awake and wanted us to know it.  Every time Dr. Dalton pushed the wand on my stomach, she would respond with a punch or kick which made us all giggle.  Right away, Dr. Dalton confirmed the placenta has grown away from my cervix and baby is head down - outstanding news!  She measured her head, stomach and femur bones and each time exclaimed "Oh she's tall!" or "She's a big girl!"  She asked me to remind her how big Jase was and when I said 9lbs she responded, "hmmmm, she might be bigger than brother."  Thankfully she isn't concerned by this since I've already naturally birthed a 9lb baby, but my lady parts cringed at a lot of this information.  All the measurements came up between 90 & 93.5% for size and the final weight estimate is 4.2 lbs.  As baby should gain an additional .5 lbs per week from here on out, we are in fact on track for another 9lb baby.  And in case you're wondering like I was, Jase was measuring at 2lbs 12oz at his 28 week appointment so she's got a little over 2lbs on him with a 2 week difference.  Gah.

There is no doubt she's in there growing away as I feel her 24/7 on every single inch of my stomach.  Sometimes it feels like she's in between my pelvic bones and sometimes I feel like she's going to jump out of the top of my stomach.  When I lay on my side at night, she will start pushing or rubbing on the side I'm laying on and it tickles.  She has found my bladder just as her brother did around this point and constantly has me running to the bathroom.  I can tell my skin is stretching thinner and recently I was able to feel what I think was probably her butt next to my belly button when I pushed down.  Kiel has seen movement, but hasn't felt her.  Jase has felt her kick a few times.  He's not usually patient enough to sit and wait and she usually stops moving when I call them over so still not something that happens often for them, but I know she is definitely on the move.

I haven't even picked up my before baby book that I was attached to and constantly quoting when pregnant with Jase so no surprise I haven't been checking baby center for growth info, but here's the 30 week post from Jase that should have all that in there.  So so crazy how much has changed since that post.

Our doctor appointments are now every 2 weeks and we will have one more ultra sound to check growth for our little overachiever. 

10 more weeks! 

-Nicole    

4 years flew by

Jase,

My how much you've seen this year.

You had your first trip to the dentist and started school without batting an eye.
You lived in your sandbox and on "the beach."
You got to see Wrigley Field after the Cubs won the World Series for the first time since 1908.
You shot your first gun, fished, golfed and went for countless cart and bike rides.

You tested us...OH how you continue to test us.

You suffered a loss above and beyond your comprehension.  And after we cried on the living room floor and answered your questions, you showed us that you have the biggest heart in all the world.

I'm sorry so much of year 3 was about the brother we lost.  I'm sorry you had to wrap your growing mind around such a big life event at your young age.

It truly brings tears to my eyes to realize how much your heart has felt.  But it also makes me SO PROUD of you.  Your compassion and true understanding for what happened to our family has not been lost on your father and me.


We are in awe of you.

Who knows what life would be like if we had endured that without you by our side.  You saved us.  Your smile, your unconditional love, your prayers, your questions, your tears...everything you have done since we said goodbye to Korban has made our lives better.  You are the reason we wake up every morning.  I am so thankful for you being exactly who you are.  Smart mouth, selective hearing and all the in between. 

Just like every year, I am sad to see another year has flown by us, but this one is a little easier to say goodbye to.  With the arrival of your sister just around the corner, I am more anxious for another year with you than ever.  The love you have shown for her already, in your words, "makes my heart break from all your love."  It never ceases to amaze me how such a little person can have such a big personality and so much love inside them.  You know just when to turn on that charm and thos
e long eye lashes of yours are the icing on the cake.

Since starting school, you love to draw and cut and glue and color and tape and anything that has to do with paper or playdoh.  Our home is full of "gift cards" and endless amounts of hand drawn pictures.  Construction and farming are also still a very large part of your daily routine.  Just the other morning you were daydreaming about a mini excavator in your size.  You asked me if I could order it online since they don't sell them in stores and maybe a bone detector so you can be a "discoverer" and find deer bones in the ground.  You once brought home a cardboard snowmobile that you made at Kyra's for your sister and gave it turbo wheels and a car seat so she'd be safe.  Your imagination grows every single day and I'm so glad you share it with me.

We cuddle and cook and you like to take me on dates to Panera, but you are your daddy's shadow.  Currently, you've decided to stick to duck hunting because deer hunting is disgusting; but where your dad goes, you are not far behind with your work gloves or a tool to match.  He answers every question you ask with an explanation about how something works or the reason he's doing whatever he's doing and you soak up Every. Single. Word.  You are the best of muchachos.

Your favorite phrases are "Did you never know....?" and "Wannaknowwhat?"  Yes that is one word.  A very good representation of your ability to never actually stop talking.   

I wish I could record every single moment I spend with you so I could show the world and you when you're older.  My baby boy is smart, often too smart.  He's mouthy and stubborn and sometimes pushes me to a place where I question every parenting decision we make.  He is determined and imaginative, sweet and caring.  He has a switch like a light that is unpredictable and keeps us on our toes (I feel like I've said this in past years).  He talks to us like a teenager going through puberty sometimes (your father and I are trying our very best to figure this stage out)  He is so very handsome and loves his mama.  He is sensitive and empathetic and I hope he stays that way his whole life.  As crazy as you sometimes make me, I could gush over you for hours kid. 

Let's just continue this 20 questions game from last year....

Jase Russell Pshak, 3 years + 364 days old

1. What is your favorite color? Blue & black & green 

2. What is your favorite toy? all of them

3. What is your favorite food? macaroni

4. What is your favorite drink? milk and water

5. What makes you happy? snuggling with you and my toys

6. What makes you sad? spankins

7.  What makes you scared?ghostes

8. What is your favorite game? magnets

9. What is your favorite snack? chips

10. What is your favorite animal? elephants

11. What is your favorite song? sticky sticky bubble gum

12. What is your favorite book? tickle monster

13. Who is your best friend? mommy and daddy

14. What is your favorite thing to do? hug

15. What is your favorite sport? basketball

16. Where is your favorite place to go? a hotel

17. If you could have one super power what would it be? being strong

18. What is love? hugging and kissing

19. What do you want to be when you grow up? a diver

20. What do you want for your birthday? a picture frame and a picture

I hope year 4 is one for the books.  Please help me as I learn to spread my love evenly between all of my babies.  That patience word we've been using so much lately will apply to all of us, I'm sure.

No matter what this year brings us, never forget - you are my first born.  You made me a mother.  We have an unbreakable bond that I know is one of a kind.  Your sister will fill us all up with even more love, but even she cannot overtake the space I have in my heart for you.  I will always love you fiercely.  I will always be on and by your side.  You will always be my baby boy.

To another trip around the "sun, beautiful sun!"

I love you, love you bugaboo
Mom




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I read this article online just a few days after I wrote this post.  If you take out the comments about more girls in the house, I feel like I could have written it myself.  I mean, my mouth was hanging open from all the similarities....all the way down to "the baby we lost."  Time is going too fast.

https://www.babble.com/parenting/it-used-to-be-me/?utm_source=huffingtonpost.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=pubexchange_facebook

P3 - 18 & 19 weeks

I am so bad at blogging.  We had our biggest appointment to date and I haven't written a word about it.  Here we go...

Week 18 - Anatomy Scan and most anticipated doctor's appointment of my life

Our appointment was Friday, December 9th at 9:45am and started right on schedule.  Weight (up almost 20 lbs already for those keeping track, sigh), pee in a cup, vitals and then off to the sono room.  It was immediately apparent that this baby had a healthy brain (who knew this picture could be so exciting!) and was quickly reading ahead of schedule in the size department...75th percentile and 4 days ahead of schedule...usually shocking, in this case praised.  We found out the placenta had moved further down and was partially blocking my cervix.  Dr. Dalton asked me not to google placenta previa until we recheck at 30 weeks because this could resolve on it's own and not be an issue, but did want to make me aware that if the placenta doesn't move out of the way I will be in for a c-section.  Not my first request, but I'm up for it if that's what it comes down to.  Early delivery is often necessary in order to minimize hemorrhaging and just have complete control over the situation, but until we cross that bridge, we'll just focus on the baby.  Femur bones were normal, no signs of a cleft pallet, kidneys look good (happy dance!), all 4 chambers of the heart visible, the cutest little profile with the cutest little button nose, but when she started looking at genitals to confirm sex I realized something was missing.  I looked at Kiel and said, "there's not a penis in that picture."  Everyone in the room laughed and Dr Dalton said she would officially confirm after baby woke up and moved a little, but she was leaning toward girl too.  HOLY CRAP!  The boy parts were SO obvious with Jase & Korban, I think I just expected to see them again, but those 3 lines I'd heard about from friends with girls were clearly staring us in the face. (forgot to print us a gender pic, will ask at next visit)  After some good movement from baby Dr Dalton confirmed we were looking at our daughter....

To back up for a minute:  In the 3 days prior to this appointment, I started to REALLY feel this baby moving.  Each morning for 3 days, between 8am & 9am, I would sit down in my chair at work and immediately feel this tiny human inside of me.  It was so encouraging.  Those tiny kicks finally allowed me to stop thinking the worst about our 18 week appointment and actually look forward to finding out what this baby's gender is.  I had been saying for awhile that I felt like the baby was a girl for a few reasons.  I felt like I was carrying higher, my face looked (to me) more bloated than normal, my butt wasn't AS big as it was with the boys, but the main reason was; I wasn't asking Kiel to go to dairy queen for a blizzard every single night like I did with the boys.  instead, I wanted vegetables and home cooked meals.  BUT, just like with Jase, in the week leading up to our appointment, I started to feel like we were having another boy and to be honest...it made me a little sad.  Even before I was ever ready to have children, I always saw myself with 2 boys and when we found out Korban was a boy I was completely content.  Maybe a twinge of sadness for never seeing bows and colorful leggings in my future, but 99% content with selling my maternity clothes and embracing total #boymom status.  And even now that we've accepted Korban's life in Heaven, I still feel like I am a mom to 2 boys.  I carried him and birthed him and love(d) him.  The thought of having a 3rd boy almost felt like a "replacement" instead of a 3rd baby.  I didn't want him to be "just one of the boys" or for people to say, "Oh it's like you got Korban back."  So when Dr Dalton confirmed we were having a girl, I nervous laughed with Kiel and secretly celebrated.  Not because I wouldn't have loved another boy, but because to me, instead of just filing in a void this baby girl completes our family.  It's different than what I expected, but what about this last year hasn't been?  I got my two boys even if one only lives in my heart and now we're going to have a little girl...our rainbow baby.  It's like a dream come true that I didn't even know I wanted.
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Saturday, December 10th - gender reveal
While most of our family couldn't wait to hear the news, we wanted a fun way to announce it to Jase so I ordered some golf balls off Etsy that explode pink or blue when struck.  Jase was so excited when we told him what we were doing.  Grandpa & Cindy, the Brummel family, Lindsey, our neighbor Jeanne and the surprise visitors of the day, the DeVries clan bundled up and head to the backyard to take pictures and video.  As luck would have it, Lindsey & Suzy were the only ones who got any footage so a big shout out to them for being there and capturing everything! 

Jase had been saying for months that he wanted a sister, but the week before we found out he had switched to wanting a brother after he found a pair of old snow boots that he could share with his brother lol He was sad for a split second when that ball exploded pink, but he's been beaming proud of having a baby sister ever since.  When I told him the Dr told us our baby was very healthy he exclaimed, "She's going to get to come live with us!!"  And when he took the little sister shirt upstairs that I had bought, he held on to it like it was walking up the stairs and said, "Come on baby sister."  He's going to be the best big brother to a little girl...I cannot wait!

Week 19 -

This picture does not do the way I feel justice.  I am sore.  And huge.  My sciatic nerve has been bothering me as the day goes on, but it comes and goes so not a complete issue as of now.  I'm up at least once in the middle of the night to pee, but usually see each hour throughout the night.  I'm constantly out of breath and am pretty reluctant to carry Jase very far or really even pick him up.  Sob.  I honestly feel like I've been pregnant since February so May seems pretty far off, but I know it's true that it will be here before I know it.

On a positive note, I recently stopped taking my anti-nausea meds.  So there's that.  My above list of complaints will be short lived and all worth it once she's here.

I ended up going to the Dr the Monday before we hit 19 weeks because the respiratory infection Jase had passed on to us had really gotten to me.  Kiel had bronchitis treated with antibiotics, a steroid and an inhaler, Jase was on his 2nd round of antibiotics and I thankfully got a z pack.  Yay winter.  I noticed over the weekend that I wasn't feeling her movements like I had before our appointment on Friday so it was reassuring to hear her moving around when we listened to her heartbeat on Monday.  I'm crossing my fingers that might mean my placenta has moved back up preventing me from feeling her movements.  We shall see.

I turned 33 on Wednesday and we celebrated by staying in out of the cold, ordering dinner and having cake...a few of our favorite things!  Jase told me on the way to Kyra's that he got me, "His biggest heart full of all his love."  Where this kid comes up with this stuff, will have us guessing forever I'm sure.  What more could a mother ask for!?!?!  Next year we're getting a babysitter and going out...maybe lol

Thankful for healthy baby news last week and another successful, never boring trip around the sun with my favorites.  Love these crazy boys more than they will ever know....

-Nicole

Jase 18 weeks
Korban 18 weeks

P3 - 16 Weeks

4 weeks since my last post...sorry baby, you're already not as thoroughly documented as your brother.

13 weeks - took my first official belly pic AND the Cubs won the World Series!  Blue drawings, courtesy of Jase.

That's all I've got lol

On to the 16 week appointment!  November 22, 2016 - just a normal doctor visit to check vitals and report how I've been feeling.  Nothing crazy to talk about, just tired and getting huge - both normal symptoms.  Dr. Dalton was very pleased with the placement of my uterus...I just nod and say "great!" to these comments.  We did get to listen to baby's heartbeat which was strong in the mid-150s.  There was lots of "whooshing" interrupting the heartbeat which Dr. Dalton says was the baby moving around.  Thank you Jesus.  I had taken Jase to his dr earlier in the day for a nasty cough that turns out to not be just allergies, but a respiratory infection (super!) so he was with me and was pretty interested in the heartbeat.  "What is that?  It sounds weird?  WHY?!?!?!?"  I wonder if this baby will ever get a word in.

The difference in how I look in these pictures makes me want to paint our entire house the same green as that bathroom.  Goodness.

I've been feeling really anxious about our next appointment not being until 20 weeks since that's 2 week passed the dreaded 18 week mark so I expressed my concerns and before I finished my thought, Dr. Dalton said, "Well let's move it up to 18 weeks."  As sad as I still am that Dr. Ingram left Pontiac, I am constantly reassured there was reason for me to find Dr. Dalton.  She is exactly what I need.  All. The. Time.  So our big anatomy scan is now scheduled for Friday, December 9th at 9:45am.  I am at a loss for words thinking about having another 18 week appointment.

In the meantime, we'll be prepping for Thanksgiving dinner at our house with some of Kiel's family, Black Friday Shopping, and Christmas decorating - it's my most favorite time of year :)

Hard to pin point what I'm thankful for this year...our family, our friends, our home, our jobs, our health, great doctors, cardinals, 2nd chances, patience, love...all of it.  I'm thankful for all of it.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

-Nicole

P3 - 12 weeks

I officially broke out the maternity pants at exactly 10 weeks and that was the first day a mom at school drop off said to me, "where did that belly come from?!"  Even though she already knew (which I had forgot), I started to sweat and turn red because I never thought in a million years anyone would call me out like that.  I kind of wanted to hug her and cry (not hormonal at all, eye roll) because she has been through a very similar and even more taxing situation than Kiel and I.  It felt so amazing to have someone I don't even really know be JOYFUL for this baby.  Don't get me wrong, our family is beyond words excited, but our miscarriage has made me hesitant to talk about this pregnancy so her huge smile and happiness kind of gave me a little boost.  

I've actually been feeling a lot more relaxed about everything since Kiel and I had sort of a "come to Jesus" talk about the whole genetic testing subject.  I think I've been stressed out trying to find a reason to want to do the testing because I feel our dr would prefer to have the results.  I've been researching and talking to people, but nothing was sticking with me.  I finally had a very short and frank conversation with my sister about how I felt in regards to this test not being able to tell us if this baby has what Korban did and she asked me, "You didn't do these tests with Jase or Korban right?"  To which I obviously responded, no, so she said, "Then why do them now if they aren't going to test for anything other than what you didn't care to know before?"  It was kind of like a light bulb went off and a weight lifted off my chest.  She's right.  And Kiel agreed so no testing.  I think we've been putting a lot of emphasis on the cost of the tests, but in reality, if we felt strongly about having them done, we'd pay any amount asked.  It's really not about the money, it's about our gut feeling.  We'll find out when this baby is ready for us to know.  It's amazing how when you make a decision that is right for you/your family, it just feels good.  I don't even have to say, I hope it's the right thing to do because for us, I already know it is.

I haven't been able to bring myself to take official belly pics yet, but maybe next time.
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I was full of nerves and crazy emotions the day of our 12 week appointment.  Probably because the day before was Korban's due date, but mainly because I was so nervous to see and hear our baby.  So. many. fears.

The appointment was October 26 at 2:30 and I was taken to a room right on schedule as usual.  I was so distracted with my worries that when I went to leave a urine sample I forgot to use the cup.  Oops.  Try again next time.  Once in the room, the nurse brought me the paperwork to decline or accept testing after checking my vitals and a few minutes after she took the form, Dr. Dalton popped her head in.  She understood why we declined the testing and didn't even ask me what made us decide that, but wanted to let me know she still planned on doing an ultra sound to check baby's size.  I'm surprised I didn't jump off the table into her arms.  I was worried she wouldn't do the ultra sound once we declined the testing so I was very relieved when she said that.

We moved into an ultra sound room about 10 min later and things got moving pretty quickly.  We were able to see baby via external sono which was pretty exciting since all of Korban's and our 8 week one this time around were internal due to my tipped uterus.  She measured baby right away and to my surprise 12 weeks 1 day popped up on the screen which is exactly right on schedule.  THAT WAS HUGE!  Things only got better from here.

Baby was very still while she checked for signs of downs (all signs pointed in the positive direction), but as we joked about the kit kat I had eaten on the way over waking him up, he started to move his arms.  (again, ignore my use of male pronouns - we do not know the sex yet)  We never saw Korban move and I still think about that all the time.  I think it was one of the biggest signs when I look back.  Korban was always in the same position and never moved more than a jiggle which we always chalked up to nap time so nothing seemed alarming, but it's obvious now. 

This baby blessed his mama with arm & leg stretches, open palms, a couple flips and even showing off his little tongue a few times.  The strong 159 bpm heart rate was music to all of our ears.  Even Dr's assistant who is usually quietly taking notes in the corner was enthusiastic about what we were seeing.  It was amazing.

I already have my appointments scheduled through December so I headed to the car as soon as we were done and sent Kiel a few overly excited texts since he was still at work.  And then it was like all of the emotions from the day before finally caught up with me on top of the great signs I had just seen and I lost it.  Ugly crying with no kleenex or napkins in sight, I sat in the parking garage for a good 15 minutes soaking up everything I just seen and heard.  I don't think it was until that very moment that I really accepted having a 2nd baby is possible for us.  I know we're not in the clear.  I know I'm still going to worry.  But that appointment was exactly what I needed to be able to breathe again.  To stop making this pregnancy all about our miscarriage.  To let myself enjoy it a little.  I had no idea how much I needed that.

We decided to go ahead and confirm for Jase what he's already known for weeks and it went exactly as I had expected.  The day after I took that first positive pregnancy test, Jase started making comments to Kiel about "being on diaper duty" and "eat all your vegetables so you're ready when that baby comes" just like we would say to him when I was pregnant with Korban.  It was the strangest thing.  Like he just knew...could feel a shift in our lives without being told.  There were a lot of questions due to my rapidly growing belly.  "Are you sure there's not a baby in there mom?"  "That sure is a big baby in your belly."  "When are we going to have another baby?"  SO when we told him, we weren't very shocked that his reaction was not surprise.  He seemed to blow it off like he already knew and when I exclaimed later in the night, "We're going to have a baby!" he said in a very frank, almost annoyed voice, "Ya, I know."  Typical.

The next day was a different story though.  He woke up talking about everything he's going to teach our baby.  How he's going to share his toys and babysit.  He followed my belly around the kitchen talking the entire time and when we got to school he couldn't stop kissing and hugging me saying "I'm so excited we're going to have a baby, mom!"  And the minute he saw his teacher he yellled, "MY MOM'S GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!" So ready or not, the whole town knows lol  He is just the best.

The fateful question, "Will our baby go to Heaven when he comes out of your belly?" came after daycare that day.  He had been telling me about chapel time with Pastor Riley at school and had just recited one of the prayers he had learned so I played off that.  I wanted to be honest with him so I just said, "I sure hope not buddy" and then suggested he say a prayer to Jesus about our baby.  This video is everything...he came up with it all on his own...   

It is overwhelming how much this child understands at only 3 and a half years old.  As much as it rips my heart out every time he asks a question about what happened to his brother, I am so so grateful for his tenderness.  He loves like no other and is going to make the best big brother.  Like Kiel said the other night, "I want this more for him than me."  Amen. 

-Nicole

October 25, 2016

Today is Korban's due date.  I have been dreading this day since we left the hospital after delivering him.  It's been such a strange year for us.  So many emotions.  Time truly has been our greatest healer.  And Jase.  

Today is also my sister and brother-in-laws 13th wedding anniversary.  Seems like yesterday and a different life all at the same time - I can't imagine how they feel about it.

We're 12 weeks today.  It's so hard not to be scared, but it's even harder not to be grateful.  

But, most importantly, today was Jase's first day as snack leader at pre-school :)  His favorite popcorn for everyone.  Honestly, what are the odds?

The significance of it all is large, but it's hard to know what the right amount of attention is meant for this day.  Just being together was enough.  Carving pumpkins might be a good tradition in years to come.  It will give us time together and hopefully more laughter.   


While I haven't been able to put aside my hurt and sadness, I can't help but to think 'I had no idea we'd have so much to celebrate today.'

Not a single day has gone by that I haven't remembered.



-Nicole

P3 - 8 weeks

(written October 1, 2016 - posted after 12 week appointment)

Our anxiously awaited 8 week appointment was September 27th and it went really well.  Baby wiggled his little tail (please excuse my over use of the male pronoun, it's just force of habit) and had a strong heartbeat at 154 bpm.  He measured about 7 weeks 4 days which is about 3 days behind what the first day of my last period would predict (same as Korban), but that could very well be due to a late ovulation cycle.  Based off my last 2 periods and the amount of time it took to get a positive pregnancy test, Dr. Dalton thinks I might ovulate late which is fine, just tends to throw the due date off a little.  She is sticking to my predicted date of May 9th for now and calling every Tuesday the date my weeks change.  She was very encouraged by the start of leg and arm buds on baby, a visible healthy yolk sac and all of my anatomy looked to be progressing as needed.  She also liked the fact that I've been feeling nauseous and overly tired lately...feeling hungover was a sign of a healthy pregnancy with Jase so I'll deal.  As of now, I have not noticed any spotting, but we didn't have our first ultra sound appointment for Korban until 11 weeks so hopefully that won't come up between now and the next appointment at 12 weeks.

It's very hard to feel encouraged ourselves since everything looked great with Korban until 18 weeks, but we're trying.  I don't like to say it out loud, but that nagging feeling in my stomach telling me that something is wrong isn't there.  I'm worried about it all the time, but it's different...again, I can't explain it.

We did a lot of talking about our 12 week appointment that is now scheduled for October 26 (1 day after Korban's due date) because that is when the blood draws for any genetic testing would take place.  I strongly feel Dr Dalton would prefer we did the testing, but she completely reassured us that she would respect whatever decision we made.  We have the option to get the regular testing that is offered to all moms between 11 & 12 weeks (downs, trisomy 18 &13), take it up a level to the Informaseq test that screen for a larger range of chromosomal abnormalities & has a higher percentage of accuracy OR screen for nothing and only give blood samples for normal prenatal tests.  I am at such a loss on how to decide this.  I think Kiel's initial reaction was to do the testing assuming insurance will cover a good portion, but after some discussion, I think he is on the fence as well.

My first thought about getting these tests done at 12 weeks was complete terror.  We didn't find out there was something wrong with Korban until 1 day before he passed away...it was less than 48 hours that we found out and then delivered him.  I cannot imagine finding out any earlier that there could be complications and then going about our daily lives waiting for what could be days, weeks or even months.  The fact that none of these tests can tell us if this baby suffers from Holoprosencephaly or the type of Triploidy Korban had, makes me standoffish to start.  The other issue I have with the tests is that they do not tell you what is exactly wrong, just that there is a possibility for an abnormality.  So a test could come back positive but there could actually be nothing wrong and on the flip side, there is always a chance that the test could come back negative and there actually is something wrong. And yes, as I mentioned, the test we're being offered has a higher accuracy rate, but it's still just a possibility.  sigh.

I received a call today from Lab Corp who would perform the tests after a blood draw at my Dr's office and they informed me insurance is still not going to cover these tests.  But lucky for us (or not), Lab Corp offers the testing which would normally be $950+ out of pocket at a flat rate of $250 for people who do not have insurance coverage.  I was hoping it would be outrageously expensive so it was an easy decision.  After getting off the phone with the woman at Lab Corp, I called a nurse at Dr. Dalton's office to make sure the test they were referring too was everything and we wouldn't be surprised with any other expenses.  She did assure me that the Informaseq w/XY comparison is the only test we would need and gave me a little piece of advice Dr. Nord had once given her.  He said, "I understand why you don't do the genetic testing, but please know we do those tests so we can be assured if there is anything we can do for you or your baby in the outcome of an abnormality, that we have you in the correct facility with the correct people."  I had been so consumed with the thought "the results won't make us terminate the pregnancy" with Jase and "I don't want to find out early just to sit around and worry" with Korban, that I never even considered an abnormality that could be fixed.  A heart defect that would need a heart specialist or anyone else with a higher qualification than the Drs at BroMenn.  I am still not convinced these tests are necessary, but I haven't closed the door...

So many things to consider and worry about.  So different than the first 12 weeks of my last 2 pregnancies.

-Nicole

Rainbows

(written September 14, 2016 - posted after 12 week appointment)

I've always loved the saying, "You can't have a rainbow without a little rain."

It makes me think of the book, "The Giver."  It's like saying, you can't feel happy if you don't know what it's like to feel sad.  You can't know the feeling of love if you've never felt hate.  As hard as it is to accept, the world needs a little bad so we can really appreciate the value of the good.

I still haven't figured out why we had a miscarriage...what the lesson is for us.  And I don't have the blind faith that we will ever know.  But I do know, we've been given the chance to take the pain we felt from losing Korban and use it to fully appreciate this blessing we've been given.  We found out on Friday, September 2nd that we were 4 weeks pregnant.  The mixed emotions are still a little overwhelming, but there was definitely a happy dance when that first stick turned blue.  And the 4 after that...yes I took 5 pregnancy tests. 

I was obviously tracking my ovulation schedule just as I had with Korban and I knew right away our hard work had payed off this time.  We took a mini vacation to the Dells at the end of August and I was nauseous every morning.  I told Kiel I was pretty sure I was pregnant, but I was still a week and a half away from my period so he ignored my craziness.  I took a pregnancy test 5 days out and it came back negative, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was going on in there.  I was still nauseous, my boobs were sore and I was more tired & hungry than usual.  I waited 2 days and took another one.  It very faintly turned positive so I waited another day and took 2 more...I fully own the crazy.  Yet again, these tests were positive, but questionable compared to the positive tests I've seen before.  Really, I was just very skeptical.  I waited 2 days until Monday 9/5 (Labor Day) to when I should actually start my period and took another.  The 5th test was the official confirmation.  It was positive before I got the cap back on.  We've ripped the band aid off...we're jumping in head first...we're putting our very real, raw fear aside and giving it another shot at a healthy baby to love.  It happened a lot quicker than we anticipated and one moment I'm questioning our sanity and the next I'm smiling from ear to ear.  It makes my heart skip a beat every time I think about it. 

I scheduled the appointment to confirm pregnancy for Monday, September 12th (our 1 year wedding anniversary) but I ended up going in on Friday the 9th because I developed the scariest rash I have ever seen with my own eyes.  My general doctor didn't want to give me anything because I was pregnant, but it continued to worsen throughout the day so I made the call to Dr. Dalton's office and she asked me to come in.  She took one look at me and ordered a steroid pack.  Seriously love that woman.  Long story short the rash got worse before getting better, but a week later and it's completely gone.  Dr. Dalton had some tests run to insure whatever viral infection had caused the rash wasn't one that would affect the baby.  We had a scary few days as one test came back positive for exposure and we waited for results to determine if the infection was current - everything came back in our favor, but it was a little unnerving.  Right now it feels like if something can go wrong it will, but we're thankful we had a good outcome there.

Our first ultra sound is scheduled for September 27th so after that we should be full of information on due date and all of the extra steps necessary to monitor this little one.

I'm going to do my best to just sit back and enjoy the ride, but it's going to be hard.  I'm already very aware that our miscarriage is going to, in some ways, rob me of experiencing the full joy I should feel for this pregnancy.  I won't tell everyone I see.  Doctors appointments will not be anticipated as they once were.  Dr. Dalton is going to want us to do the genetic testing and the idea of finding out that something could be wrong again makes my stomach turn.  Until we get passed that dreaded 18 week appointment...well I'm just very aware it's going to be a long 15 weeks.

I'll be doing a lot of praying.  And smiling. 

-Nicole

27 days out (6/24/16)

This morning Jase asked about Korban.  It's pretty common really; for him to bring up his brother.  He randomly will ask, "Is Heaven a person or a place?"  He likes to play with my bracelets and tell me which one is for Jase and which one is for Korban Matthew.  He has said to me a few times, "If you don't eat good things, you won't grow like Korban."  Even if what he says doesn't make sense or actually apply to Korban, for the most part, it makes me feel good.  My heart feels like it grows a little when Jase says Korban's name.  I love that he isn't afraid to talk to me about him when he needs to and hope that never changes.  But this morning was a little different than our other conversations.

We had just pulled out of the subdivision on our way to daycare and he just randomly asked, "Who has angels in their house for Korban?"  I reminded him that we have one and we gave one to Aunt Amy & Uncle Matt, one to Grandma and Mark and one to Grandpa and Cindy.  He asked why we need the angels and I told him so we could all remember Korban forever.  And then he asked, "If Korban lived with us and slept at our house, we wouldn't need those angels would we?"  His eyes welled up with tears and he tried to fight them away.  I reached back and held his hand and told him it's ok to be sad and that I get sad too.  He told me he misses Korban and then the tears fell while I rubbed his hand and told him I miss Korban too.  To which he replied "and Daddy does too."  My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, but in true 3 year old fashion he moved on to a different subject within seconds.  I'm jealous of his short attention span as I am still struggling hours later.

I think about Korban and that entire experience from the time I get up in the morning to the time I go to bed.  Every single day.  Work does a pretty good job of keeping my emotions in check because we are really busy, but Fridays are harder because I'm alone in the office a lot and it's easy to lose focus.  Weekends with Kiel and Jase are always helpful...it's summer so we're always on the go and being together is just better in general.  Even in the evenings I can usually keep myself occupied with stuff around the house or some mindless tv and the nights Kiel has worked over haven't been near as haunting as I anticipated.  But it's always there.  On the tip of my tongue during every conversation regardless of the topic.  It's easier with people that I know are aware of the miscarriage, but I have a harder time with people who don't know or if I'm unsure if they know.  I don't know if I'm holding myself back from bringing it up or just trying to focus on anything else.  I do know, when it does get brought up, it's usually really easy for me to talk about it with anyone.  It's almost therapeutic sometimes...but as I type that I'm cringing just thinking about the next person I see mentioning it.  Mostly, I feel like I'm doing really well (Kiel too, but I don't want to speak for him on here)...I'm getting back to our life.  But today, my emotions really caught me off guard.  They are hard to reel in.  Not just because Jase's heart was hurting which always hurts me but because it made me realize how much mine still is too.

Writing all of this down seems to help a little though.  Even if I'm only typing for me...it still feels like I'm getting something off my chest.

I came across this article yesterday and think I might need to keep it close for awhile...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-things-you-learn-after-your-child-dies_us_576987d0e4b0869377fb4680?  
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While in the hospital, we made the decision to cremate Korban and on Wednesday, June 1st we got to bring home his ashes.  Kiel and I knew from the beginning that a service just wasn't something that we wanted to do.  I can't really explain why, but for us...I just don't think it would have been helpful.  Maybe under different circumstances, but I don't regret it.  I'm still in awe of the funeral home in Normal that donates all services for miscarriages/stillborn babies...what a selfless act.  The urn he came in is very plain and simple and not one you'd typically display, but it has his name on it so I'm not sure if/how I'll replace it.  We talked about a plot, but thought cremation would be better so he can be wherever we are.  When we're ready to buy plots for ourselves, he can go with us.  Always.   

Kiel and I met with Dr. Dalton on June 15th for a follow up appointment and she had our test results from the genetic tests they ran.  Apparently, instead of Korban getting one set of 23 chromosomes from me and one set of 23 from Kiel for a total of 46 (diploid set = the correct amount), he got an extra set of maternal chromosomes which is what caused the chromosomal disorder and led to the Holoprocensephaly.  Having 3 sets of chromosomes is called Triploidy.  It's mind blowing to think about how much happens inside a woman's body when a baby is made...everything has to be perfect and this time it just wasn't.  She said the results did not show chromosomal abnormalities in me that would necessarily carry over to a baby so concern for this happening again is low, but she advised we see a genetic counselor just so we can get all of the information we can from an actual expert.  And also to get some DNA from Kiel as no blood was taken from him initially.  We agreed and requested they start a referral for us even though we both have felt like this would be the case since we already have a healthy 3 year old.  Unfortunately a few days ago, we found out my insurance doesn't cover any of the testing and they can't get us in to meet with a genetic counselor until the end of October.  Both of those pieces of information were very disappointing, but we'll just have to see how things go.   

Dr. Dalton shared a story about a couple that gave birth to a baby the weekend after we had Korban and I haven't been able to stop thinking about them either.  Like Korban, their baby had Holoprocensephaly and like us, they found out about his disorder at their 18 week appointment.  Unlike us, their baby made it to 31 weeks before passing away.  That means they sat on that news for 13 weeks before delivering their stillborn child.  For 13 weeks they agonized over what would happen to their baby while everyday taking care of their toddler and trying to live their lives.  And when he was born, he wasn't much bigger than Korban who was measuring somewhere between 13-15 weeks.  I thanked God right then and there for giving that couple a child before having to experience that nightmare.  I hope he helps them through like Jase does for us.   

-Nicole

P2 - 18 Weeks

This is not the post I was planning on writing.  It's long and full of hard to swallow information, but just like the rest of the entries in this blog...this is part of our story.

Wednesday, May 25
As Dr. Dalton looked over the baby at our 18 week appointment, I could see the red flags.  The measurements in the lower right hand corner of the screen coming up 15, 14, 13 weeks instead of 18.  The 3 lines in his brain and how the shape of his head was long and skinny instead of nice and round like it was in the first ultra sound pictures we received.  I could hear it in her silence and that feeling I've had in my gut since week 8 was stronger than ever.  She didn't have to answer when I asked her if everything else looked ok after we heard the strong 143 bpm heartbeat...I already knew it wasn't. 

I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain that feeling.  I said to Kiel very early on that I was afraid of the possibility of there being something wrong with our baby and like any normal husband he told me not to worry about that kind of stuff.  So I kept my thoughts to myself because I didn't want to think about it either, but I was noticing things.  My body was making room for the baby...my hips were widening, my stomach was protruding and as each day went on, I would be full from dinner & water retention, but I could tell the baby wasn't filling up the room I had created for him.  I had been unconsciously gravitating to articles about special needs children - mothers urging other mothers to teach their children not to be afraid - how to get through the hard days - why to be thankful etc.  My head and my heart were telling me there was something wrong.  And as Dr. Dalton held my hands and prayed with me with tears in her own eyes, the realization that I may have been right really sunk in.

She carefully explained to me that the lines on his brain were from fluid build up and that he was very small.  She told me instead of a 4cm pocket of amniotic fluid, there was only about 1cm surrounding our sweet baby and this caused her to worry about blood and oxygen flow.  She said instead of waiting until 22 weeks to go to Maternal Fetal Medicine in Peoria to check baby's kidneys like Jase's, we'd need to go right away.  They would call us.  She was kind and gentle and overly apologetic that she didn't have specific answers for us and that I was bearing all of this information alone.  Just like when we had Jase, we had skipped the genetic testing at week 11 because my insurance didn't cover it and we thought the results wouldn't matter anyways.  Had we known, rather had we actually thought all of my fears would come true, Kiel would have been there.  But this was supposed to be a routine visit.  The exciting one where we confirmed the sex - she'd put it in an envelope for me because Kiel was in Transformer School and couldn't be there.  I was going to have someone at Party City fill up a balloon with the correct color confetti so we could pop it over Jase's head later...he was so excited.

Instead I cried to Kiel in the car and then my sister and then my mom and then Kiel some more.  Kiel tried to finish a little of his class before leaving around 1 so I went back into work until around 2pm...I just couldn't go home and be alone.  Dr. Leonardi's office called that afternoon and requested we come Friday to have a level II ultra sound done at 11:15 and then meet with Dr at 12:30 to review.  That night, Kiel and I discussed terrifying situations...decisions we could be forced to make.  Our minds were spinning, but we tried to be patient before getting too ahead of ourselves.   

On Thursday, Kiel took his test to finish up Transformer School and I threw myself into work to keep my mind as busy as possible.  It was a blur of a day for both of us.  I prayed a lot that night.

Friday, May 27th
We didn't wait long after arriving before I was taken in to report medical history and sign billing/HIPPA paperwork and then we were both taken to a room for an ultra sound where we waited just a few minutes for the tech.  I kept thinking...I can't see him...it's so blurry.  The measurements were coming up very small again.  When she said, "I'm going to go talk to the doctor for a minute," less than 10 min after she started...we knew.  It seemed like an eternity before he came in and I was in tears anticipating the worst.

Dr. Leonardi, a soft spoken kind man, entered the room and did a quick ultra sound of the baby before asking us to talk about a few things.  He told us our baby had "Holoprosencephaly" which is a condition in which the brain does not divide into two halves. During the embryo stage, when the top of the spinal cord folded backwards and forwards over itself to form a brain, the brain failed to split into a right and left side.  He assured us multiple times that there was nothing we did wrong or could have done to prevent this.  It probably happened before we even knew we were pregnant.  It just happens sometimes. 

And then, as he sat in front of us with his hand on my knee looking directly at me, he told us, "the baby has passed away."  In our hearts, we knew...but the confirmation was a weight neither of us was prepared to bear.  Kiel was so strong for both of us.  I've never cried like that before.   

He gave us just the right amount of time alone for me to pull myself together while Kiel sat next to me on the small hospital bed.  He told us that the baby had probably passed sometime the day before (Thursday) and that I would need to deliver him sometime in the next week.  We were numb.

He gave us great advice on how to take care of each other while we were grieving and moving forward.  He warned us that miscarriages are hard on marriages and that our friends would be terrified of our situation because now it would feel like this could happen to them too.  He said no one would know what to say...we wouldn't know what to say.  He talked to us about DNA testing that would give us more information regarding future pregnancies.  It was so much to take in, but he was wonderful with us.  The man deserves a medal for having to deliver that sort of news.

The walk out of the hospital was excruciating. All those people to walk by. All those eyes on us.     

I know Kiel would have gone along with whatever I wanted, but I think we both knew before I said it that we wouldn't wait to start the induction.  Jase was at my sisters and we wanted to get back to him as soon as possible.  I hated to use the phrase "get it over with" but we'll be grieving this baby for the rest of our lives...why put ourselves through the emotional pain of waiting all weekend knowing the end result will be the same regardless of timing?  Everyone is different, we just felt this is what was best for us.

After a few phone calls, we found out Dr Dalton was out of town until Saturday afternoon with her family, but Dr. Nord was willing to oversee the beginning of the induction.  Dr. Dalton warned me it could be a long slow process - possibly taking my body 24 hours to respond to the medicine.  Even more of a reason for us to begin as soon as possible, but that also offered the possibility of her being there at the end depending on how things went.  She told me that I would be given 4 pills of Cytotec vaginally every 4 hours to soften my cervix instead of pitocin through an IV like I had with Jase.  I would be allowed an epidural whenever I was ready, if desired, or Nubane every 1-2 hours for pain.

Kiel, my mom and I checked into the OB wing at BroMenn at 7pm and I got my 1st dose of Cytotec around 8:45pm.  Our nurses were Bekah & Abbie and we all quickly realized they were going to be wonderful even though the atmosphere was painfully different than when Jase was born.

The rest still feels like a dream. 

9:30pm:  Dr. Nord poked his head in to introduce himself and let us know he would be around if we needed anything.  He's very tall and didn't have much to say and we knew the nurses would handle everything at the beginning but it was reassuring to know he was available if needed.

11:00pm:   A Chaplin stopped in to see if she could assist us in anyway and offered to say a prayer with us.  I'm not going to lie...even though I said I'd like her to come when they asked, I was slightly annoyed at her presence at first.  Another stranger in the middle of this nightmare, but when she pulled "Footprints in the Sand" out of her pocket which had hung in our home for years...it seemed so fitting.

Saturday, May 28th
Midnight:  I was getting pretty uncomfortable from the cramping so I went ahead and asked for some Nubane.  As Bekah was administering it into my IV, my water broke so we were hopeful my body was responding.  Kiel finally fell asleep after we got my bed changed and Bekah left.

1:00am:  2nd insert of Cytotec.  The Nubane made me pretty sleepy so my mom decided to go down the hall to a waiting room where they had a bed set up for her.  I never went to sleep, but was relieved Kiel and my mom were getting some rest.

2:00am:  I requested a 2nd dose of Nubane and finally slept for about an hour and a half.

5:00am:  my mom came back into the room just as I was about to receive my 3rd round of Cytotec and 3rd dose of Nubane.  Bekah checked me and I was at a one, but barely, so it seemed like things weren't really progressing.  I was seriously considering getting an epidural, but since I knew I wouldn't have to dilate to much more than a 2 or 3 since the baby was so small, I was really hesitant.  Plus, I was worried they would make me stay longer if I went ahead with one so I decided to push on without it and just stick to the Nubane as long as I could since it seemed to be at least taking the edge off.

I must have dozed off shortly after that last dose of Nubane because the next thing I remember is Dr. Nord coming into the room just before 6:30am.  He was just stopping in to say good morning and see if we needed anything.  He offered to say a prayer with us and I could feel his sincere compassion for us and our baby in his words.

When he left, I got up to use the bathroom and as soon as I stood up, my water broke.  It caught us all off guard since we thought that had already happened the night before.  A few nurses came in right away to get everything cleaned up.  As I walked to the bathroom, I remember thinking the pain was going to get kicked up a notch now that my water had broken...

6:45am:  Instead, without any warning, just seconds after I sat down I delivered.  It was so fast and unexpected and painless and very heartbreaking.  It took my breath away and all I could do was yell for Kiel.  It was like my body just did what needed to be done.  Nothing could have prepared me for that.    

I don't think I'd even really grasped that it was over before I was back in the bed. The nurses were immediately tending to the baby and trying to call Dr. Nord back in from just down the hall.  He seemed just as shaken up as we were because he apologized for leaving the room not knowing I was in such distress.  I assured him I wasn't...I had no indication that was about to happen until it was already over.  He looked at Kiel and said, "I didn't expect God to answer my prayers so quickly."  His words will probably stick with me forever.

Bekah brought the baby in on a small white washcloth and handed him to me.  Kiel was hesitant to see him, but I knew we would regret it if we didn't.  He was so tiny.  1 oz, 7 inches long.  It wasn't until after they brought him back from being weighed and measured that we could tell he was a boy.  Just as we'd suspected.  His facial features were not very prominent, his head was very large and appeared flat compared to the rest of his body from the fluid on his brain.  He had big feet just like his dad & big brother and his toenails were wildly noticeable...of all the things.  We had planned on taking pictures, but as soon we saw him we decided against it.  Seeing him will be with us forever.  It's something that is just for us and is one of the main reasons I instantly felt so at peace with losing him so early.  It was very obvious that his quality of life would have been minimal if he would have made it to term.  But regardless of his appearance and health, he was still our baby that we had hoped for and had started making plans with.  We already loved him with all our hearts even though he never took a breath outside my body.

At some point Janice, who took over for Bekah, drew my blood to be tested for the baby's DNA along with the placenta so we could get some idea of the likelihood of this happening again. 

Dr. Dalton was scheduled to be in around 5pm that day and since they wanted me to stay for a few hours to monitor my bleeding, we were hopeful we'd see her.  We sent Kiel out to get some fresh air once things had settled down.  My mom and I made a few phone calls to let a few people know everything went well and my sister offered to bring us lunch.  I have no idea what time it was, but there was a knock on our room door and when it opened I expected to see my sister with lunch, but instead it was Lindsey all the way from Colorado saying, "I told you I'd be here in 12 hours."  Still puts a little lump in my throat that she just jumped on a plane to be with us.  My sister followed shortly with lunch and the atmosphere continued to shift more to the positive side.  They both stayed with us the majority of the afternoon.  The love in that hospital room could have moved mountains.

The rest of the afternoon went quickly and around 2, after Janice had checked my bleeding once again, I asked about being discharged.  The nurses were pleased with my recovery progress so Dr. Nord agreed to let us go home.  The timing worked just about perfect for Dr. Dalton to arrive just as my mom and sister were leaving the parking lot.  We could tell she was out of breath from literally running to our room...we were her priority and it was obvious.  We told her about the day and how wonderful our nurses and Dr. Nord had been.  She confided in us that when I was in her office on Wednesday, she was shocked the baby still had a heartbeat because of the condition he was in.  I can still see the pain she felt for us in her eyes.  We really were surrounded by the best that day.

There was literally nothing left for us to do after she left but go home to recover.  No baby to take home.  Just us.  So less than 24 hours later, we went home to clean up and Kiel went to get Jase from Amy's.  Telling him ranked almost as hard as getting the actual news...

Kiel wanted to wait so we had a little time with him before crushing his world, but about 2 minutes into dinner Jase made a comment about the baby eating what mommy eats.  He talked about the baby all the time...he was so in love with the idea of being a big brother and "our baby" as he referred to him.  I took him into the living room and sat him in my lap on the floor and just told him that we weren't going to be able to bring our baby home.  That he was going to be with Jesus.  Tears immediately started flowing from his eyes...it was heartbreaking to watch him process our new reality.  He just kept asking why he couldn't live with us and why he wouldn't ever come back as the tears rolled down his face.  Kiel explained it perfectly to him by saying "He just wasn't strong enough.  He didn't grow."  I tried to reassure him that he was still a big brother even though his little brother wouldn't live with us.  We told him his name and he was so excited that our baby was a Pshak too :)  He was sad when I told him I gave the baby one of his blankies, but quickly changed his mind and said, "I think that was a great idea mom."  Such a brave, smart boy we have.  He is the best therapy we could ask for. 

I wonder how long it will take me to get back to feeling like myself.  How long it will take me to have a meaningful conversation that does not involve our miscarriage.  How long it will take me to not tear up at the harsh realization that I am no longer pregnant. Someday we will take that plunge again, but right now I have to figure out how to be ok with this empty feeling that seems to come in waves and knock me down like I've run into a brick wall.  Miscarriages happen every day.  To so many people we know, some that we had no idea about before now.  We now feel the weight of that burden first hand...it's indescribable.   

Fortunately though, even through all of this heartache, we have been able to realize we have so much to be thankful for.  We are thankful that we didn't have to make any decisions on our own.  We are thankful for a smooth delivery.  For the knowledge that our baby never suffered.  For a support system that is never ending and breathtaking.  For each other and our intelligent, healthy 3 year old.  I pray Kiel and I can be our best for Jase and our marriage going forward and not lose ourselves in this misfortune while still remembering and honoring the tiny life I carried inside me for those short 18 weeks...

One day at a time.
_________________________________________________________________________________
        
Korban, 

We chose your name because of it's meaning - "A gift or offering consecrated to God" - which is exactly what you are.  Your middle name is after your Uncle Matt and your initials are the same as your father's.  The blanket you carry with you is one of your brother's most prized possessions.  You are wholeheartedly part of and attached to our family no matter where your spirit lives.  You were and will always be loved more than you will ever know.   

Thank you for making this as physically painless as you possibly could...I know you walked me through this.  I know you used the last of your strength to keep your heart beating that day I was alone so your dad and I could be together when we learned we had lost you.  I know now that you were that Cardinal at my work the day you left us.  Please continue to watch over us.   

You will be in our hearts forever and I will count the days until I see you again.  Rest in peace our sweet boy.
             
 

                      

Korban Matthew Pshak

"A gift or offering consecrated to God" 

Delivered May 28, 2016

6:45am 

1 oz, 7 inches

"Little Footprints" by Dorthy Ferguson

How very softly 

you tiptoed into my world.

Almost silently,

only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

your footprints have left upon my heart.

 


Love you, Love you
Mom, Dad & your adoring Big Brother, Jase